Monterey Jack and Sundried Tomato Sun Chips

This is the newest flavor in the Sun Chips line, available only at Subway in a non-compostible bag that won't cause early onset deafness. It's supposed to be in conjunction with their fire-inspired line of rehashed sandwich combinations, but I don't really see the relation aside from a well-placed promotion. I have to say, though, this is the most exciting chip flavor I've seen this side of Pringles Restaurant Cravings. Just kidding. Pringles are Satan's spawn.This is an interesting flavor and seems to be leaning towards the Italian side of seasonings. Why it's paired with spicy foods, I do not know. But this bastard hybrid chip is pretty decent, as far as chips go. The tomato and cheese are both present in the composition, but pretty weak. I'd have never assumed the tomato was sun-dried, when I got a rare hint of tomato flavor, and am getting more of a cheese appropriate to Chuck E Cheese than an aged monterey. Eh. I didn't expect anything surprising.What did blow my mind, as much as Sun Chips can blow anyone's mind, was how much the flavors clashed not with each other, but with the natural flavor of the Sun Chip. Sun Chips are one of the few chips I eat without any added seasonings, preferring their natural buttery and salty flavor over one laden with powder, and the nuttiness of the chip seemed to make the monterey taste weak and overly processed. It was just an unrequited pairing. If the flavors had been on another chip base, it might have passed as a decent pizza flavoring. If the cheese was different, it might have melded more seamlessly with the chip. I liked these, and they went fabulously with Keepitcoming's WASP soup, but they're a little misguided in their direction. They need a makeover or a high school guidance counselor to set them on their way.

12 "Noon to Midnight" Beverage

Oy. This is billed as an intelligent alternative to alcohol, so in the spirit of that lustful affirmation, I'm writing this in a slightly inebriated state. Where to start? On one hand, this beverage might get you accolades from your guests, who applaud your efforts to reach beyond the threshold of boorish alcoholic consumption. On the other hand, you might get punched in the gonads because this drink shits, and hard.Twelve is an interesting concept. For starters, you've got a nice 750 ml glass bottle with what's essentially juice inside. I have no problem with that. I find that an Arnold Palmer, the simplest of beverages, quenches my thirst better than everything on a hot day. But what's crammed inside this bottle is a mélange of clashing flavors that overwhelm and irritate the palate.The original flavor has more herbs and spices than a KFC in Greenwich, CT, and twice the audacity. From the second you crack open the screwcap on the bottle, the senses are agitated with pine, cloves, cinnamon and licorice on the nose, and a lighter fruity effervescence underneath. The combination of these flavors is truly aggravating. There is no healthy balance between the fruit and the spices, making the end result taste like you're sucking on a pomander and at best, with doctoring from outside sources, taste like a sugary chamomile tea.We earnestly tried to determine if we were misinterpreting Twelve in some way, but appreciating a non-alcoholic juice beverage simply shouldn't be this difficult. After each sip, we were faced with the unavoidable conclusion that drinking Twelve caused us to cringe and use swear words.I wish that this had tasted better, because I'd have loved to bring it to my fundamentalist Christian friends who abstain from drinking wine. They'd still be pussies, but at least they'd be quenched pussies who can enjoy the party. But in all honesty, I'd feel conflicted bringing this to any party. I can't see an edible compliment to this drink that wouldn't break under the intensity of the flavors, nor can I give a written compliment because I'm just disappointed in the construction of this beverage.

Theo Bread and Chocolate

I haven't always been an adventurous eater. I mean, granted, my tastes run in the direction of all things fried and generally unhealthy, but these days, I'm more inclined to order an ostrich and fiddlehead ratatouille than a chicken sandwich. For a long time, I had a celebrity taboo list of things I wouldn't eat, including peppers, mayonnaise, beef, anything older than me, and onions.This dry period spanned into 2002, when I took my first trip to France. French bread and Nutella. French bread and Nutella. Kinder eggs. On French bread. With Nutella. And one snail. You get the picture. So after I expanded my palate and took a sensory, palatable trip for eight years, I was pleased to rediscover this bar, compacting one of my old favorites into a chocolate.The appeal of this bar starts on the outside, with a wonderful and whimsically illustrated package, no corner left uncolored or bland. A cat and her mother share a bowl of bread and chocolate while some family portraits look on in admiration and potential jealousy. Can cats eat chocolate? Whatever, these can.Inside, the bar is simplistic, but speaks for itself. A dark berry scent wafts up from the surface. The first bite is all dark chocolate, with a rich and fruity flavor. High quality stuff. But then the bread kicks in, small crispy bites with a short, but intense buttery note that adds an interesting flavor to the bar rather than textural difference. It's the best part of the bar, because rarely is butter featured as a flavor in a chocolate bar. It's a creamy and salty note, and I wish it was more prominently featured against the delicious bread crumbs. The crumbs stay crispy and crunchy inside the chocolate and maintain a staggered presence throughout the bar, though it's much easier to sense their presence if you suck away some of the chocolate first and let it melt. Delicious and innovative, though it seems to prompt mixed reactions.

Morinaga Pretty Cure Mixed Fruit Chew

This product is well aware of its audience. I am not a part of that audience, but I probably would have been drawn to this packaging when I was in elementary school. This Morinaga chew, provided by Tsunami.hk, features characters from an animated show called Futari wa Pretty Cure, which falls into the same genre as Sailor Moon.

I was a big fan of Sailor Moon when I was in middle school, and to be honest, I'm still a fan of prismatic packaging. This Pretty Cure candy even comes with a prismatic sticker. Still, despite my love of all things cute (especially Hello Kitty), this packaging doesn't really appeal to me. I should mention that this candy comes from China.


She's a scientist, just like me!
Before I looked up what the Chinese characters for the flavor meant, I popped one of the candies into my mouth and tried to guess. Banana? Orange? Star fruit? Sugar? I was completely at a loss. It turns out that all my guesses were correct - the characters meant mixed fruit. The chews were almost scentless and had a very mild tropical fruit flavor.

As I mentioned, this is a Morinaga product, and the texture was similar to that of Hi-chew, but these were firmer and not as bouncy (and therefore less satisfying). Overall, I was underwhelmed. They were edible, but there was nothing that made me want to eat more than necessary to write this review. I'm sure these would please children, who tend not to be picky when it comes to candy, but they just didn't work for me.

D

Morinaga website

Little Wings

Boy, she's a tough act to follow, no? I don't know if I can do it justice, but I'm back after Keepitcoming's guest translation. I might have to keep her around! Anyhow, these are Little Wings, buffalo wing chips inspired by the SRV song of the same name. These are actually by the same company who makes Hippie Chips, a product I panned earlier on this year, but these kick far more ass and take their flavor on the road. Yum.Posed with my Gibson LP, these little tortilla shaped chips are actually imposters- they don't try to be too bad or talk too bad, they're just delicious multi-grain crisps shaped like tortillas. That's the first interesting quirk. They're baked and thus healthier and made with whole grains- no noise pollution and they ain't gonna fry.

They're baked and seasoned with a buffalo wing powder that actually tastes pretty accurate. For the man of wealth and taste, these are certainly a winner, if you can handle the heat. They have a nice bite to them that really accentuates the crispiness of the chips. Some may be tired of the buffalo flavor in snacks, but I think it's fantastic. Like a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac, it's a classic, take it or leave it. Only thing that could make it better is if they were shaped like little wings!What I found most interesting about these was the drizzled coating on them. In most sweet, angelic foods, you see a frosting, but it's rare to see a salty and spicy snack with a glaze. The combination seems to be inspired by the daughter of the devil himself- it's sinfully good. The creaminess and intensity is kind of freakish at first. It's rather unexpected, but then it fades away into black, a cheesy, tangy oasis for the senses. These are rock stars and definitely on my a-list.

Tomato Pie 2.0

It's a shame about the blogging format, how posts roll off the screen to never be seen again without digging around the archives. The 80 seconds the average person spends on my blog isn't going to turn up one of the best savory pies I've ever eaten — tomato pie — so I'm posting it again . . . with some changes.

Not the cheese-less pizza pie known so well around these parts, but a Southern pie filled with summer's ripest tomatoes, basil, and onion, then topped with a Cheddar and mayonnaise spread, the tomato pie I made last year was so darn delicious, I ate the entire thing by myself in one day!

Oh, how I've been looking forward to summer's bounty of tomatoes (because winter tomatoes just won't do) to re-make the pie using my own suggestions: cut the tomatoes into smaller chunks instead of slices to avoid a forkful of tomato that won't fit in my mouth; caramelize the onions for sweetness; and use a different cheese just to change things up.Tomatoes were chopped in big chunks, salted and left in a strainer to drain for 30 minutes or more. A press of the hand does wonders to get the juices out, and you're gonna wanna get a lot of juice out of the tomatoes, or else tomato pie becomes tomato soup pie.
Onions were caramelized to coax out the sugars. If you're not a fan of raw onion, go ahead and caramelize them, because in the original recipe the baking doesn't quite take out all of the onion's strong flavors. I like the pie either way, but prefer it slightly more with caramelized onions.
Different herbs can be used, but I stuck with basil because tomatoes and basil are besties.I had not been dreaming of a tomato pie with corn, but we just so happened to have grilled way too much corn the day before, so that's the short of it as to how corn ended up in the pie. Throw in whatever you fancy.
Parmesan along with white Cheddar went into the mayo and cheese topping because that's what we had. Funny how recipes evolve like that.Mixed all together, the pie innards look like so before the mayo and cheese topping goes on. I forgot to take a picture of the mayo and cheese, but you can see it in all it's melted glory in the picture at the very tippy-top of the post.

What do I think of tomato pie 2.0? Gosh, it's awfully good! Just as good, if not better, than the original tomato pie, but I'd take either in a heart beat . . . then eat the whole thing lickety-split.

Tomato Pie 2.0
serves 4-6

1 9-inch pie shell
4-5 large fresh tomatoes, roughly chopped
3 medium sweet onion, thinly sliced
2 tablespoon butter
12 or so large fresh basil leaves, coarsely chopped
2 ears of corn, cooked and kernels cut off
salt
pepper
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 cup sharp Cheddar cheese, grated
1 cup Parmesan cheese, grated

• De-seed tomatoes by squeezing or pushing out the seeds with your fingers. It doesn't have to be thoroughly de-seeded (that's where the flavor is), but you'll want the majority of the liquid out to avoid a soupy pie. Salt the chopped tomato, and let sit in a colander for at least 30 minutes to draw out extra moisture (push down gently on tomatoes to help it along).
• Melt butter in a skillet over low heat, add onions and cook on low for 30-60 minutes, or until caramelized to your level of doneness.
  
• Blind-bake pie shell for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove from oven and let cool a few minutes.
• Mix tomatoes, caramelized onions, basil, and corn together in a large bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Transfer tomato mixture into the pie shell.
  
• Combine mayonnaise, Cheddar, and Parmesan in a bowl, seasoning to taste with salt and pepper. Spread over the top of the pie (hands work best).
• Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until the top of the pie is browned. Cool slightly and serve.

Sir Kensington's Spiced Scooping Ketchup

'Twas a soiree of decadence and sin! On a fair summer's eve, the Lady Keepitcoming deigned to favor me with the pleasure of her company. Nature lead us to discover that on this balmy evening, only the finest of pub pleasures would assuage our lubricious appetites, and thus, we consummated our desire to dine upon Sir Kensington's, the capricious catsup of kings!Dear readers, I'm sure I shan't raise any eyebrows in stating the obvious fact that the vast majority of commercial ketchups are rather banal affairs, in possession of the all the charms, in the timeless words of David Guetta, of "your neighborhood whore." Fortunately for those of us whose gourmandism demands a more subtle, recherché approach to ketchup, Sir Kensington has come forward to disabuse us of our former complacency in regards to this most familiar of condiments. By the light and wisdom of Sir Kensington, a notorious fop in the most sociable of circles, truly has the purity of the primal origins of ketchup finally been seen! Yea verily, this ketchup is baller. With a thick, ripe rotundness on the lips and a heat sufficient to pique our lusty appetites, Sir Kensington tipped the velvet on our tongues and tantalized our tastebuds. This ketchup possessed all the natural simplicity of a luscious twenty-two year old brunette stripper with lightly pendulous double D's and minimal dancing abilities, yet it had the robust spice and sultry tomato flavor reminiscent of the kind of woman who can make you scream like a bitch without really trying.In the light of this laudatory review, it pains me to relate to you, my esteemed readers, that Sir Kensington's viral marketing campaign is, in truth, kind of douchey. Our normally redoubtable guide into this fascinating world suggested on his website that we have a "scooping ketchup party", and it is with great regret that I inform you of my distaste for our esteemed colleague's choice of words.
This minor matter of aesthetics aside, however, we did listen to music deserving of the Kensingtonian philosophy, namely, Air, and other light ambient techno dance selections, and we ate his ketchup with good, hearty french fries. I wouldn't hesitate to serve Sir Kensington's ketchup again, in despite of the fact that I die a little inside whenever I'm called upon to speak the words, "scooping ketchup."Written and translated into Victorian English by Keepitcoming Love