Evol Pizzas Meatballs and Mozzarella

No, it's not a Sonic Youth album, it's one of our favorite brands- again! Evol Foods just keeps coming out with new products. And who are we to blame them? With the recent success of their flatbreads, it's clear that this is a company that can deviate from one type of food, in this case, their burritos, and still come out on top. Now, we're chomping through their pizza line, one pie at a time.
Despite the fact that we have to travel to our local Whole Foods to snare one of these, we love them so much that we don't mind. Evol's pizzas and flatbreads are the anacondas in a pet store world of easy-to-care for goldfish and hamsters. Yes, we're talking to you, CPK. And no, we're not calling you back. Make no mistake about it, though, the pizzas are not simply larger versions of the flatbreads. For one, the prices are a little higher for the pizzas, $1.50 higher, but they are only two ounces heavier than the flatbreads. This lessens their value compared to the flatbreads, but when placed against other one-topping pizzas, like Domino's, ($10.15 for a medium thin-crusted pizza with sausage, they don't have meatball or small) and Pizza Hut, ($8.56 for a medium thin-crusted pizza with sausage- is meatball being phased out?), it's not a bad deal.
Out of the package, the first obvious flaw in the meatballs and mozzarella is the case of small balls it has going on. The photo on the box shows 24 adorable, miniature meatballs dotting the top of the pie like a lady bug. We got 13 1/2, and they are tiny. It's a shame, because they're really tasty, with a moist texture and a bold, herbed texture that stands up to the rest of the toppings. And honestly, for flaws, that's about it. This is also a cheese-heavy pizza. There is an ass-ton of cheese, even though it might not look like a lot when shredded. This is the first pizza I've ever had where there was a drippy cheese overhang during the cooking process. It was intense and awesome.
The mozzarella is very present and doesn't give off that bland mix-of-cheeses flavor that other frozen pizzas do. It's chewy and buttery, with a nice hint of salt from the meatballs, and strings off substantially even after solidifying in a mass on the pizza. The cheese bubbles and crisps on top and all is well with the world. With this in mind, I'm now more inclined to try the four cheese and basil pizza. Even the prosaic gets a makeover here.
One thing to pay attention to is the thinness of the crust. Honestly, I was worried that with the brittle texture, the pizza would seize up and get crackery during the cooking process. The instructions will tell you that 10-15 minutes in the oven is a good idea. I was paranoid and monitored this more than any baby I've ever sat for, and after 8 minutes found that it was getting crispy and that was enough for me. The crust is substantial to hold up to the lavish amount of tomato sauce and cheese, and doesn't get soggy or crunchy at all. The crust, with its varying degrees of charred edges, reminded me of a commercialized Pepe's pizza. While I doubt this pizza will replace your favorite neighborhood joint, it's a hell of a lot better than the pizzas we have up here and definitely bumps out its chain and frozen competition.

Marks & Spencer Caramel & Toffee Mousse Splits

It's coming up on the third anniversary of this blog! I haven't been candy blogging nearly as long as many people, but after three years, it's nice to come across a candy bar that's completely unlike anything I've tried since I started this blog.

Marks & Spencer is a department store chain in the United Kingdom. According to their website, they have locations in 40 countries, but the United States is not one of them. This candy bar is another kind gift from my boss, who is from the UK and sometimes brings candy back to the States with her when she visits. My boss told me that she thinks this bar is re-branded Thorntons chocolate, and this review at Chocoblog seems to back that up, but I couldn't find anything official.


The amazing thing about this bar is that each of the segments has both toffee and caramel filling, separate but not divided so that they mix together a bit in the middle. The toffee was very buttery and just a bit salty, and while those flavors were tasty, it was very, very sweet. The texture of the toffee was like lightly whipped mousse, soft, creamy, and thick.

The caramel on the other hand was runny and smooth, and somehow even sweeter than the toffee mousse. The milk chocolate melted smoothly with a hint of stickiness, but it was still quite good. It had that milky richness that many British bars have. On the whole, this bar was a bit too sweet for me, but it was certainly unique. I preferred the buttery, salty flavor of the toffee mousse to the flatter caramel.

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Marks & Spencer Website

Sushi Planet

Not sure exactly when Sushi Planet opened on 3rd St. just off South St., but it's been well over two years, maybe even close to three years. I gave this tiny sushi restaurant about six months before they closed, namely because of the cheesy name and the fickle South St. area.

Sushi Planet has proved me wrong each night I walk past and peer through the front windows to see the dining room full. Who eats here, I wondered? Never have I heard anyone mention Sushi Planet. Then a friend of the boy's mentioned that Sushi Planet was their favorite sushi place. Word of mouth is a powerful thing, so we decided to check out this tiny BYOB sushi restaurant.

With maybe 30 or so seats in the narrow, casual restaurant we were lucky to grab a two top on an early weekend evening without a reservation, as Sushi Planet were turning people away as prime dining time rolled around. Sushi Planet also was doing a brisk takeout business, no doubt encouraged by their website set up for online ordering.Complimentary housemade cucumber pickles brined in seasoned rice vinegar were crisp and refreshing, and certainly a nice touch. Sort of sorry I let our server whisk them away at the end of our meal, instead of asking to take them home.
All of the food we saw come out of the kitchen and from the sushi bar was beautifully plated, as was my fried tofu salad, which could have fed two easily. Mixed greens are topped with fried tofu strips, orange slices, thin strips of pears, and candied walnuts, then dressed with a citrus vinaigrette studded with little black hijiki seaweed. Other than being slightly overdressed for my tastes, this salad was awesome. Tried and true, and maybe cliche — at least the citrus, pear and candied walnuts — these salad toppings are just great together.The Japanese eggplant presented atop a sweet miso sauce is one of the best eggplant dishes I've ever had. I'm not sure how they did it, but these thick-cut eggplant coins were so soft, they simply melted in your mouth. Eggplant marshmallows!
The fish eater across from me was genuinely jealous of my veggie sushi sampler when our server, describing the dish as "the fun platter," dropped off the 8-piece sushi with cucumber avocado roll plate. Yes! Variety is how you impress a vegetarian sushi lover.

Starting from the left: avocado and cucumber maki-sushi; skinless, roasted yellow pepper nigiri -sushi; radish sprout nigiri-sushi; inari-sushi ; pickled daikon nigiri-sushi; seaweed salad chirashi-sushi; cubed tofu chirashi-sushi; pickled burdock nigiri-sushi, and carrot nigiri-sushi.

Each bite of sushi was flavorful and different from the next — from the sweet tofu skin inari, the peppery radish sprouts, to the soft and mellow yellow pepper. I was particularly fond of the cubed tofu chirashi-sushi which was topped with thinly sliced scallion and a little dab of flavor-packed, savory sauce (miso? soy? garlic? black pepper?).

I can't speak to the fish sushi, but the boy was also very pleased with his sushi, which he claimed to be fresh and generously portioned.

Who knew!!! And why didn't you tell me! Sushi Planet, you are officially our newfound neighborhood sushi bar. Sorry I doubted you.

Sushi Planet
624 S. 3rd St., Philadelphia, PA 19147
215-922-5000
Mon-Sun: 11am-10pm
delivery available 5-10pm
BYOB

Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Gelato

Happy 4th, readers! The weather here was gorgeous and the snark was at an all-time high. We were slangin' dick jokes and Pioneer Woman potshots until the sun went down. And then we made grilled shrimp nachos. You're jealous. It's okay. For dessert, we had some wonderful baby truffles and some of this new gelato that we picked up at Stop and Shop the other day. Ciao Bella makes a lovely gelato. I'm not sure why I haven't had more exposure to their flavors. Probably that ice cream hang up of mine.
In any case, this is their key lime graham flavor. Pies with graham cracker crusts rank roughly three spots ahead of Cheetos and one spot below hamburgers in the ultimate comprehensive list of "foods that will most likely contribute to my untimely demise," and if the pie's crust is made of Oreos, you can automatically move it up four spots, knocking out both nachos and cookies. Pretty intense stuff there. I think my cardiologist's suicide note is somewhere around here. Might have used it as a coaster for my milkshakes. Ciao Bella's website describes it as "temptingly tart and ultra smooth." These words, along with the phrase, "the nest of delicious" have also been used to describe my lady bits. True story. And also, holy shit, their website intro is long. I had to get up and stretch during a pivotal point in the gelato-based photo montage. Can anyone fill me in on what flavors gelato-slurping girl and apathetic blonde man ended up picking? The tantalizing siren's song of the blood orange? The sultry lapdance of s'mores? Either way, the tag line "slurp, share, fall in love" made me feel like I was at a summer blockbuster. Five stars. I'm smitten.
The gelato is quite smooth, with a less greasy used car salesman vibe, and has a uniformity that I'm not sure I quite agree with. Speaking from experience, I like chunks in my ice cream and in my vomit, and this was just a little too smooth for me to experience the high of eating a key lime pie just like a dementia patient would. I want irregularity. A little variety in my pie-riety. The graham cracker flavor was there, in a very weak aftertaste, and the texture is gone. While I won't stoop to making a second Nazi reference in a row here, I will mention that this gelato is a little too perfect and pure, almost like another post-economic failure nightmarish dystopia where perfection is valued over humankind. What? What? I'm talking about Gattaca, you dicks.
There is a yogurty flavor to this that I wasn't pleased with at first, but ended up tolerating. A tartness and tangy mouthfeel, like buttermilk. Not too sweet. I suppose what really irks me is that the flavor reminded me of a frozen, creamier Yoplait, but with twice the calories and fat. I suppose I could pull the world's lamest switcheroo and crumble graham crackers into my frozen yogurt, but what's the point? With flavors like these, if you're going to have 270 calories and 14 grams of fat in a 1/2 cup serving, pull out all the damned stops, make your ice cream taste like a damned pie, and cram the pint full of graham crackers. We're not buying this for health conscious reasons. Foods like this are tasty, but leave me questioning my personal tolerance for indulging in things that are billed as high quality with none of the end satisfaction.

Orbit Strawberry Remix

Happy Independence Day to my American readers, and belated happy Canada Day to my Canadian readers! I was curious about the national holidays of other countries, and came across this list. It looks early July is a fairly common time for Independence celebrations around the world, so best wishes to all who are celebrating.

Something that always catches my eye at the grocery store is a new flavor of Orbit gum. Recently, I've seen commercials for Tropical Remix and Strawberry Remix, and since I'm such a fan of Strawberry Mint, I had to go with Strawberry Remix.

The gum had a strong fruity scent, and it was strawberry-like, but with a little citrus scent. The flavor was tart, slightly sour, and had a fruity berry flavor. It wasn't terribly authentic or just strawberry, but I suppose that's the remix. Still, the gum was juicy and pretty good.

The flavor was solidly fruit - no mint and no cooling sensation. The chew started out very bouncy, but it did harden as I chewed. Most of the flavor was gone in 2 or 3 minutes, and even though the leftover flavor wasn't bad, I wished the gum wasn't so short-lived.

B

Orbit website

Marks and Spencer Reversy Percy Super Sticky Gums

On a recent trip abroad, I was the proud recipient of the ultimate gift, the one alone to single-handedly piss off all Fundamentalists, children's bible camps, and Overeaters Anonymous graduates everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Marks and Spencer Reversy Percy Super Sticky Gums.
Percy Pig is a beloved childhood character of the 90's reincarnated in gummy form. I say reincarnation in the most ironic of ways, for it is with each gummy that you can taste the essence of Percy. Seriously. The third ingredient is pig gelatin. Taking a look at the package, we see Percy with his hooves swollen in grief over his head. Someone has decided to take Percy, lop off his head, and in a remarkable feat of human deviation, turn it inside out and use it as a mask a la Saw, or perhaps for their own personal, Leatherface-esque fantasy. In the words of the pitiful Percy, "it's just wrong!" And it says so right on the package. Also note that they are super sticky gums, presumably from all the blood and innards. Metaphorically, this could be a cry for help. Is Reversy Percy some sort of twisted alter-ego of the gentle Percy England knows and loves?
On second thought, maybe I'm overthinking this. Percy, clearly alive and well, is sitting in front of the barn he inhabits, but is covering his eyes while moaning how wrong the Reversy Percy is. Wait a minute. The barn door's translucent panel reveals the decapitated, reversed pig heads. Percy alive. Pig heads. Shit. Percy isn't the victim, he's the killer. And you, dear shopper, or child, or grandmother, has just found out his terrible secret. You've opened the door to the proverbial barn, and have found it full of pig heads. He's distraught and moaning that it's just wrong because...
You're next.
Well, with that out of the way, onto the taste of the gummy. Unfortunately after dissecting the symbolism behind the Reversy Percy, I've lost my appetite for eating tiny, chewy pig heads. Percy's ears remain intact, but, as Keepitcoming notes, have the look and texture of bacon fat. His wholesome, reassuring face smiles out from the gummy. As I pop him in my mouth, I am hit with a sudden rush of anxiety, for I know that death awaits us all, some in the form of natural causes, some in the form of decapitated pig accidents. Or maybe it's just a sugar rush. But then, a revelation. This is delicious! Reversy Percy is totally harmless. In fact, he tastes like fresh cherry juice. He's not too sweet and has a thick, fleshy texture similar to that of actual flesh. A horrible part of me wishes he was filled with a sweet, red liquid. The admonition of super stickiness is not to be heeded. He feels like every other gummy on the market, and with the added exception of being delightfully appropriate for Halloween or Charles Ray Hatcher's birthday next week.
We're taking pity on our remaining Percies and are placing them into witness protection, where they will lead a carefree, safe life filled with love and gummy families. The original Percy was apprehended and taken into custody earlier today. A unanimous jury convicted him of roughly over 12,000,000 counts of murder based on the 12-15 heads per bag, and he was placed in solitary confinement with no chance of conjugal visits from a Ms. Penny Pig.

Crystal Light Mocktails Mojito

As humanity moans and wanks off its average-sized dick, advertisers place a mirror in front of them to satisfy the need for products like cocktail-based mocktail-inspired juice-flavored water and pieces of chocolate that are thinner and sexier than bulky chocolate-based products like the ones in accounting, you know, in the cubicle across from yours with the cat calendars and sassy mugs with neon lettering. And small breasts on a large frame. There, I said it. Prose before hoes.
Of course I'm more focusing on the cocktail-based, mocktail-inspired juice-flavored water, the likes of which is tauted to be so pure to that of its cocktail brethren that its original formula likely fed Nazi troops back in '39 and mothered a few gorgeous Aryan children. However, Crystal Light Mocktails Mojito, assumes it's virginal in advertising but in real life, isn't really sure of its purity, like a girl who writes on Yahoo! Answers asking the masses if she lost her virginity by having sex over the internet. It's about as mojito-flavored as I'm mojito-flavored, or a tube of Lip Smackers lip gloss for underage alcoholics is. It's not bad, but it's not pure, just as this blog isn't bad, but it's not Pioneer Woman, either. Whatever. In the immortal words of Lionel Hutz, "This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against The Neverending Story."
This mojito represents the naked truth of all that is evil on this planet. No joke. I hate it just a little more than I hate Rosie O'Donnell and naked self-portraits, but less than my hatred of the two combined. The racy idea that this is a drink that you can add one shot of booze to for every two quarts is unfathomably lame. Crystal Light doesn't know that I add scotch to my Cheez-Its, so hardxcore, but no amount of rum or rubbing alcohol can save this. It's practically fluorescent and smells like a chain smoker's mouth does post nicotine gum. There is neither hide nor hair of this on the Crystal Light website, meaning they're probably so embarrassed by this stint in womanly desires that they've erased it completely. This may be the last canister of Crystal Light Mocktails out there. eBay, here I come! I want my $5.
TL;DR, it's repackaged Crystal Light lemonade for women who have lost their way but wound up in the same place. Screw you guys, I'm going home.