Gross Food Week #7: Walden Farms Calorie Free Marshmallow Dip

Ah, yes, Walden Farms. We used to go there on field trips when I was a waifish little girl. Take a stroll past the emaciated cows, lowing for calorie-free feed and water as the calorie-free breeze blew gently on your face. Old Farmer Walden would strap up ol' Treadmill, the starving mare, and we'd take a ride around the field, its crops skinny and sexy as always, the abundant corn and wheat sheaves nearly translucent after shedding all those calories.
Those were the good old days, and no trip would be complete without a taste of Mrs. Farmer Walden's special calorie-free marshmallow dip. Of course, this was before WalCorp bought out the farm, but it was just as heavenly as it could be- just like the real, horrifically fatty obese child snack, only...more wholesome. Ha ha, no it wasn't. I'm just screwing with you. In fact, this has the air of a product made prior to a big corporate buy-out. With its incredibly precious label and short ingredient list, it almost does look like something that an ingenious housewife would whip up in her kitchen, until you open the jar. Shit is downright chemical.
For a brief, miserable summer, my dad decided to teach me some of the basic intricacies of home repair. One of the only things I retained from that summer was how to properly wield an axe to chop firewood, how to perfect my summer burn while lounging outside watching actual home improvement workers do their jobs, and how to use caulk in a small imperfection in an area. Lest you underestimate my mettle, know that this is typical behavior. Because this post isn't about calorie-free axe murder or harassing working people, let's see if you can figure out where this is heading. Caulk is not edible, but appears to be. But if you're a closeted pica sufferer, I've got great news: Walden Farms Calorie Free Marshmallow Spread is as close as you can get to legally ingesting caulk, and it's sort of, kind of, real food.
Let's get the legal mess out of the way: according to the FDA guidance, compliance, and regulatory information, chapter 9, appendix A, the definitions of nutrition claims, a product is able to state that it is "calorie-free" if it has 5 or less calories per serving. You will receive no legal compensation for ingesting eighty jars of this and getting fat. But it's not even worth your zero to five calories per serving. With a perpetually cold, thick texture, like cold cream without the lingering scent of baby powder, and a pure white color that absorbs all darkness and shadows, it's definitely providing all of the defensive indicators to alert you not to consume it. But we forge on, as always. It has a congealed, wet smell like molding wood, with a harsh sugary edge behind it, like the sweet powdered sugar and corn starch scent on marshmallows. It's not quite a solid and yet too gelatinous to be a liquid, and falls off both spoons, knifes, and fingers, leaving a watery, chalky smear of a trail in its wake. Think saturated marshmallows that have taken a trip down the river, capisce?
The flavor is downright abrasive, with a hideous gloppiness, like poorly cooked pudding, that doesn't disappear once placed on the tongue. It's similar to taking an injection of Splenda right into the vein. Any trace of vanilla that was once in this, or at least near this, was absorbed by the great white mass and spat out into the ether, never to be seen again. The flavor is part synthetic and part Elmer's glue, with an emphasis on the latter. It's heinous. There's no better way to tell you. It's nothing like marshmallows, dip, or marshmallow fluff, which I took out to remind myself what real fake marshmallow spread is like. Phew. This product isn't worth saving its exaggerated, implausible claim of 330 calories a day. You're better off eating actual caulk and sealing your own mouth shut. I'm just thankful I didn't spring for the zero calorie peanut butter and make myself a FlufferHater sandwich.

Le Whif Chocolate Inhaler

To some of you, this may have come as a painfully apparent "DOOOI" moment, but to others, this might be a shock. Brace yourself. I was kind of a loser in high school. I know this is somewhat shocking being that I've presented myself as an awesome person on the internet. Shocker! You must think I'm like currency- legal and tender. But in reality, that's a little far from the truth. This anxious undercurrent of a subject matter may spring from the fact that I'm going home in a few days after defriending over 300 assholes on my Facebook and, due to Murphy's Law, will inevitably encounter at least eight of them while getting coffee and will have to endure awkward conversation and remind myself that I did what I did because I hated them.
I wish I had had Le Whif in high school. At least then I could have pretended to be edgy. It's the perfect amount of sleek, oily pretension combined with the allure of snortable drugs but- psyche! It's really chocolate. If I'd had asthma as a child, the irony of having this match my inhaler yet also be off-limits because of its powdery properties would not have escaped me. Le Whif is so impossibly vapid that even I, Lord of the Guise, must avert my eyes to its monochromatic color scheme and stupid "eating by breathing" mission statement. Seriously, Le Whif, you look like a tampon. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
While I can't honestly say this is the most embarrassing thing I've crammed in my mouth (that honor wholeheartedly goes to Kush Cakes) it's certainly the most awkward. It's a cross between a cigarillo and a plastic party noisemaker. And worse yet, you're supposed to smoke it as though you were smoking a hand-rolled clove cigarette- gingerly, with a slight air of disgust. Below are a few recent installments I like to call "Faces of Le Whif." They should give you a pretty good idea as to how we liked this.
I feel like a thirteen year old sneaking a smoke behind the bleachers for the first time, except this isn't a Virginia Slim and I don't feel cool at all. Despite the reassurance that the chocolate particles were too large to enter my lungs at 80 to 300 microns, I still feel like this crappy chocolate is bouncing around my respiratory system. After hacking up a Hershey's bar, I tasted it. It has the unmistakable flavor of crappy, unsweetened baking chocolate and granulated sugar- grainy, with a bitter and undersweetened flavor, a predominantly fake molasses and brown sugar taste.
It's like eating cocoa powder and Splenda, but with the added humiliation of sucking it through a patented device. Ick. It had a harsh, burning texture and left my throat feeling raw. All the thrill of a real cigarette with none of the Bond-level suavity or satisfaction. Also, it leaves a dirty, brown residue on the mouth of the depositor, a fine dust which inevitably gets all over your clothes and then melts for real.
There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to this product. Chocolatiers have scaled down their regular bars to make 100-calorie bars for the calorie conscious, and as far as I can tell, nobody has explicitly expressed a desire to breathe in their food. Perhaps this is a good chocolate "hit" for the stereotypical Hollywood female workaholic, but Jesus, so is a Tootsie Roll. Leave Le Whif in Le Trash and go drink some chocolate soy milk.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownies

This is a snack that could, and did, survive our most recent (and possibly first ever) tornado. Look, we all know the commercials with the smooth talking genie who offers wishes and fiber and shit. I wasn't initially sold because I like to think that I eat enough to warrant roughage and fiber (Robot Editor's note: SENTENCE REDACTED. CLEANER JOKE IMPLEMENTATION IN SESSION.) Puppies and kittens aren't as cute and as wonderful as this brownie! No poop jokes at all!Anyhow, Keepitcoming and I were in Target, or "Tar-Jay" for the ladies, when we saw these brownies. Quick side note. Have you ever been so hungry while in a grocery store that you've just grabbed a package and started eating out of it? I've never done it but I feel that it represents a darker side of humanity. A person can get away with a lot in a grocery store. In seedier areas, like when Swagger and I go to C-Town, it's not unusual to find chip packages jammed in between boxes or spilled Oreos near the meat. Sometimes people bring cups from other places like 7-11 and just leave them on displays. And then we get it on a bigger scale, like with the creepy old videos of supermarket sweeps. Every contestant has the same zombified, singular minded gleam in their eye when they're told they can essentially loot a store in ten minutes as they blindly flail their arms and knock 322 boxes of toothpaste into their cart just for the hell of it as Yanni's "End of August" blares while stock boys weep.
Um. Brownies. Yeah. TL;DR, we ate these in the Dick's Sporting Goods. After paying for them. And they were incredibly tasty. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that this is one of the nicest, most developed flavors I've had in a snack that billed itself as healthy. While the bar is definitely much smaller than its packaging, it has a flavor and satisfyingly dense texture reminiscent of a really well-made snack cake.The flavor was extremely rich and chocolatey with a forward coffee flavor and scent. I checked the ingredients and, sure enough, chicory root extract, a natural substitute for coffee, was right on top. With companies and factories whose chief "homemade" taste comes from a blend of hydrogenated oils and sugars, seeing an ingredient my mom or I would use to boost the flavor in our own brownies was refreshing. The texture of the brownies was soft and chewy, much like an actual one.If I had any real criticisms for this particular variety, I'd have to say that the peanut butter definitely takes a back seat to the cocoa and coffee flavors. Calling this a mocha brownie would not be out of the question, but calling it peanut butter seems like a stretch as the chips and icing are somewhat overshadowed. Nevertheless, this makes a filling snack and blows other "diet" or low fat flavors out of the water. I was so impressed with these and hope that Fiber One continues to experiment with their varieties.

GNC Lean Shake Cookies 'n' Cream

This shake exists so that I can impress the ladies, and by ladies, I mean gentlemen, too. Any takers? Jesus just posted a cryptic Facebook status about our "tOrRiD lOvE xXx" and Sarah Silverman's got me on speed dial. Plus I have a date with Kelly Keagy tonight and we're going to play Sister Christian all night long, if you know what I mean. (We're totally going to make out.) Of course, it's all due to the large success of this lean shake, which I have been drinking for three days like a fine scotch whisky, brother.

Because I'm starting a new job at a facility that requires me to rely on my innate feminine wiles and toothy charm to extract blood money out of kids my own age, I wanted to check this shake out. Luckily, my mom was around to offer me a ride to the supermarket and we picked this up together.After working out with Keepitcoming Love, I paired this with a scrambled egg to see how it was. My first observation was how much of the mix was skimmed off the top. I wasn't expecting it to be hard packed inside, but I also wasn't expecting 1/5th of the cylinder to be empty, either. What is this, a potato chip bag? The side of the package recommends one to two scoops for every eight ounces mixed with either skim milk or water. I tried both. With water, the mix was clumpy and chalky, even when blended thoroughly. The cookie pieces all sank to the bottom and it developed a foamy, airy texture with a milky flavor and weak sugary undertone.Luckily for this, I didn't give up right there. When blended with milk, the flavors were much more developed and the mixture was more cohesive and shake-like. If you blindfolded me, hung me out a helicopter, and put me over an active volcano with nothing but this to drink for hydration and pour over my head so I wouldn't burn to a crisp, I would not be able to associate it as cookies and cream. It has the idea of cookies in little brown specks dotted throughout the shake mix, but as far as real cookies go, it is sadly lacking. Just cream is fine, though, and as a descriptor, more accurate than I expected. It tastes a lot like artificial coffee creamer. Still good in my book, though.

Larabar Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Looks like Foodette Reviews is on its 666th post. Hopefully none of the Healthy Month treats will rear up in our digestive system and kill us, but you never know. At least I didn't choose to review kombucha or something today. Which brings us to our (relatively innocuous) reviewable today, a Larabar in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

There exists a phenomenon amongst products geared toward women that seems to force us to a point where if we eat anything remotely healthy, it MUST taste like a facsimile of something "guilty," "tempting," or "forbidden." Case in point, energy bars. Things like Luna Bars and Larabars promote the concept that women can't just scarf down an energy bar because it has to be a treat, hence flavors like chocolate peppermint stick, dulce de leche, and chocolate covered strawberry.

Today's desserted bastardization is chocolate chip cookie dough. Spoiler alert, it tastes like neither cookie dough or a protein bar, which is surprising as protein bars' grainy texture usually lends itself to resembling cookie dough.

This particular company really excels at their fruit flavors, but just lacks that prowess in their synthesized desserts. The bar had many chocolate chips in it but somehow tasted only of rich figs and nuts. The texture was chocolatey and could be recognized as such but was totally overpowered. The figginess in this bar was about as subtle as crotchless panties. Something about this felt like I was eating a "special" granola bar from a friend- something I wouldn't do now and in my reviews.

SNACKDOWN: Healthy Choice vs. Lean Cuisine in Battle Ravioli

Here at Chez Love, we are no strangers to the delicacy of the frozen meal. Many a night has been saved by the good graces of an Amy's frozen pizza or a pint of ice cream. So when we saw these two varieties of gourmet ravioli, we knew a snackdown was in order.The two varieties wouldn't have seemed out of place on the menu in a nice restauraunt. Lean Cuisine boasted a pumpkin ravioli with creamy sauce with walnuts, snap peas, and carrots, while Healthy Choice gave us a lobster cheese ravioli with green and yellow zucchini in a vodka sauce. Both sounded excellent and filling for a cold night.Unfortunately, we couldn't stomach sampling more than a bite of each. While each was visually appealing- the LC's julienned cuts of vegetables and the HC's hearty portions, the flavors were each abominable in their own ways. Let's take a journey into the world of Healthy Choice. The ravioli in this dish were mushy with a crumbly, powdery filling and leaking fishy fluid that completely saturated the rest of the dish with a strong canned seafood flavor. When I tasted the vegetables with sauce alone, despite seeing a firm, colorful piece of zucchini, all my mouth could think was "FISH" and resisted my every attempt to shove it in there. The sauce, which had come out of the microwave thick and rich-looking, was runny when I sat down to eat and also tasted like fish. A quick look at the ingredients showed that one of the main offenders was "pollack powder," and after that, the only thing I could associate this was fish food and worse, the flakes that fish food comes in. No thanks.After that, I was looking forward to trying the Lean Cuisine, but Keepitcoming told me not to waste my taste buds. The crisp, colorful vegetables were drowned in the "creamy" sauce, or in our case, the salty sauce. It was an assault on my blood pressure. For some reason, both of these dishes contained an ingredient or component that made it impossible to taste anything else. The ravioli in this dish was on the other end of the spectrum- too firm and almost chewy, with an acidic, yammy flavor to its filling. This was a particular shame, as the dish itself was really pretty.

Unfortunately, we have no winner. The real winner is the pizza we picked up shortly after! Better luck next time. Expect more frozen food offerings in the future...

Foodette's Second Birthday and Keepitcoming Love's Birthday Pasta

It's Foodette's second birthday! And like most two year olds, she's starting to feel a need to pull away from the Blogosphere teat and start eating solid, mushy foods. In commemoration of not aborting her in the first trimester, as happens to many baby blogs, Keepitcoming Love cooked a delicious and healthy vegetarian pasta dish, of which I consumed three servings.
Thanks for another great year, guys! We can only get bigger and more coherent as time goes on.

Keepitcoming Love's Birthday Pasta
Ingredients (serves 4)
3 large tomatoes
10 pieces of asparagus
2 tablespoons of olive oil
Salt, pepper to taste
1 cup of chicken stock or red wine
1 lb of your favorite pasta- we used Al Dente's garlic linguine
1 cup of baby mozzarella boccaccini balls
1/4 cup of basil1. Chop up all of your vegetables and cut the boccaccini in halves. Reserve one of the chopped tomatoes, the basil, and the cheese in a bowl.
2. Heat a pan up and place oil and asparagus inside. Sear until brown and put in the two chopped tomatoes and liquids. Season to taste and let simmer until cooked down and saucy.
3. Boil your pasta until done and toss with sauce and remaining tomato and cheese. Eat hot or at room temperature.

Crystal Light Pure: Strawberry Kiwi, Mixed Berry, and Lemonade

Recently, and possibly after seeing my MiO review, I was sent a couple boxes of the new Crystal Light line, "Pure." Pure features flavor packets with all natural flavors and the standard gamut of flavors. Being that it was 66 degrees and hot out today, I decided that today was the day I'd need a serious refresher.The flavors are powdered, like the bulk of flavor packets out today, and are about three times larger than the standard packet. When I saw the size of these, I was reminded of the Special K Protein Water, but in this case, I couldn't quite see why there was a need for larger packets. I mixed up a glass of each flavor, strawberry kiwi, mixed berry, and lemonade, and was wary before I took the first sip. The drinks, which I expected to be clear and naturally colored as a result of their lack of artificial ingredients, were cloudy and neon-colored, reminiscent of the classic Crystal Light my grandmother would make me by the gallon as a child, with a murky, salty flavor. It wasn't a very good first impression. In addition to the flavor, these were absolutely pungent. The second I opened the packet, my nostrils were assaulted by acidic, sugary scents.The flavor of the mixed berry tasted somewhat fermented and jammy, like berries that had botrytized before being mixed into water. It was a sour, watery flavor with no distinct flavor that really reminded me of berries. If anything, it was like drinking Life Savers dissolved in water. The dissolving problem that I encountered in the mixed berry and lemonade was more improved in the strawberry kiwi and the water was transparent with no residue at the bottom. The flavor was also sour, but counterbalanced by a nice fruitiness to its body and a non-chalky consistency. This was my favorite of the three.
My final drink, the lemonade, looked appetizing and juicy on the package with slices of lemon. I was most excited for this one as I was hoping it would deviate from the traditional standard powdered lemonade and taste like something freshly made. Well, once you stop laughing, let me tell you that yes, you're right. Of course this wouldn't taste like a $4 glass of lemonade in a bistro or a $12 Lemontini or even like Lemon Pledge. Despite its hawkings of all-natural ingredients, I was just not convinced that this was any different than the store-brand version.All in all, I was pretty disappointed. As someone who has already established a healthy love of beverages, I have no qualms in crossing these off my list and sticking with drinks I already know and love.

Healthy Month Contest: Win $50 Worth of Free Food from Foodette!

Happy Healthy Month, one and all. By now you've probably discovered that this is NOT a post about massive burgers. Happy April Fool's Day! Consider this my personal Lent, combined with, of course, quintessential Jewish guilt. To celebrate, we here at Foodette Reviews are offering you the one and only chance to win $50 worth of free, relatively healthy food gift cards and coupons, as well as a starter set of eco-friendly glass straws! (Prop twenties not included!)The prize includes:
A $10 gift card from Wendy's
A $10 gift card to Stop and Shop (or your grocery equivalent)
5 Healthy Choice Coupons, each good for one meal of your choosing
2 Lean Cuisine Coupons, each good for one meal of your choosing
2 General Mills Gluten Free Chex coupons
One package of Glass Dharma glass straws- a $50 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE!It's a food extravaganza! It will feed you for a week or possibly a day if you're in college! It's delicious and nutritious! And KEEPITCOMING POSED FOR EVERYTHING! (She understands and wishes to continue.) All you need to do from now, April 1st, 2011, to April 29th, 2011, at 11:59 2011, is post a comment telling me one of your favorite healthy treats and one of your favorite guilty ones and you'll be automatically entered to win. Leave your email address and let the games begin!

Happy Healthy Month, guys!

Vitamin Water Zero Glow

Vitamin Water’s new release, Glow, got my attention with its vibrant, spot-on circa 1985 Barbie-pink hue. Since I can reference this color from my childhood, I think I must be VW’s target audience. Or is there a deeper message than flirty femininity in play here? The typically smarmy packaging copy pulled me in by acknowledging the open secret that “grocery stores double as singles’ “meet” markets.” The Glow bottle goes on to inform me that if I sport this bottle in the supermarket, I should expect a gender-neutral “cart” to be “cruising [my] way” for a “sample.” The striking teal label/pink drink combo will be sure catch the eyes of potential dates, and I’ll be able to communicate my hanky code faves without wearing those stupid circa ’97 pride rally-style bandanas.Now that we’ve got that covered*, let’s address the flavor of this beverage. Perhaps it’s better not to open the bottle if it helps you score the intended piece of ass: its chalky texture and sweet, simplistic, bubble-gum flavor are strongly reminiscent of Kool-Aid. If you poured a little out and added a few ounces of Dubra, you’d capture the exact flavor of a Chris Hansen bust. Uhhh, not that I did that or anything. My advice for CBT aficionados: for best results, just carry it, and leave the actual drinking of this crap to girls who want to feel like Disney princesses.
Why don't you have a seat over there?

*JK, male subs -- Keepitcoming stays busy enough with Foodette.

Lean Cuisine Thai Chicken Spring Rolls

Sometimes I wake up in the morning just feeling inadequate. You know, the blahs, the grumpies, a case of the Mondays, Axis I clinically diagnosed depression, wanting to punch someone in the face. Luckily, I learned one weird old tip from the internet and now I'm a new person.

Here are some of the things this weird old tip taught me to do:
Clean my yellowed, decrepit teeth by comparing them to a fake nail.
Cut down a bit of my belly every day with a straight razor
Shred the electric guitar like a pro- and never practice again!It's pretty cool. When I'm not making $75 an hour working out of home for Google, I'm staying fit by eating new Lean Cuisine Thai Chicken Spring Rolls. Holy crap. They're about the size of two wine corks, and about a third of the size of my recently enlarged penis, and fit perfectly in my newly refinanced home's freezer. I can eat three of them to make a snack, and for the price of $2.59, send them to my homeless cancer-ridden Nigerian princess friend, whose parents are recently deceased, along with my monthly donation of $20,000.It's okay, though. After she gives me my 2.4 million and Obama gives me my $10,000 stimulus check, I can buy all of the LCTCSR that I want. They're not bad, either. With all of the non-practicing and non-exercising I do, all that activity makes me want to relax with something a little mild. With over 9,000 eclectic ingredients- white meat chicken, shredded cabbage, yellow carrots, and red curry sauce, I thought they'd be delicious and yet, comforting as a snack.Last Thursday, I made these spring rolls along with a sauce to dip them in. Bitches don't know 'bout my dipping sauces. It would be much easier if these came with a dipping sauce to add as little or as much zest as you'd like, because the high-quality ingredients deserve a bold seasoning to go along with them. It really undermines the diversity of the components, which are clearly made to taste fresh and flavorful, when none of them are seasoned above a bland paste. It wasn't an epic fail, but it certainly wasn't win, either. The texture was perfect, just like a spring roll. It surprised me that three of these were only 200 calories, and Keepitcoming got scared, and said, "You're movin' in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air". I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo' home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabby, "Yo homes, smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

But they were decent, with a greasy, faux Asian style texture that didn't resemble diet food at all. If you do get them, make sure to add a sauce on the side because eating them plain sort of calls you out as a herp derp. Otherwise, they're a delicious snack to eat alongside your PUDDI PUDDI and share some with Candlejack because it's pretty gre

Clif Shot Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Roks

I don't know about you, but I think this "Year of the Diet" theory is bullshit. People balk under pressure, and hearing that 2011 is the year to stop fucking shit up is going to only encourage failure. Personally, I'm in the "Year of the Rabbit" ilk. It combines the Chinese (sorry, lunar)New Year and this new idea and allows you to eat all rabbit, all the time. Bun? Indeed.But for those of you who aren't too keen on wolfing down a laegomorphe with every meal, Clif offers another alternative- protein in the form of rocks. I've always been keen on the Clif bars, but I wasn't sure how keen I'd be on this product. The Clif Roks boast 40% of your daily fiber in a package of ten. Each rock is roughly between the size of a malted milk ball and a grocery store gumball, and oddly enough, roughly between their textures as well. I'm not sure if protein melts, but in anticipation of that ill-fated future, Clif has opted to coat these with a protective shell to avoid this. Protein melts in your mouth, not in your hand.Yeah, that's a bacon wallet. Gotta keep up my street cred.

The texture of these is a little off-putting. From the packaging and formula, these appear to be optimized to eat while running or exercising, anything you do that requires a little extra protein. I'm sure you wouldn't chew gum and sprint a mile on the treadmill. If that's the case, you wouldn't eat these, either. Eaten whole, they're extremely unwieldy and difficult to bite through. When I gave up and decided to cut these in pieces, I found it trying to cut them with my knife. The shell shatters under the knife and the inner core is hard. When I finally cut them into smaller pieces, the chew was tough and grainy. Maybe I should have stuck with the rabbit diet. The predominant flavor is actually that of a malted milk ball, with a neutral sweetness that satisfies my craving for something sugary, but an artificial flavor shortly after. It's like cookie dough in the Uncanny Valley way that Cookie Dough Bites are- not.Also, there's no money in that wallet. I didn't bring home the bacon.

I feel like these are bulky and more gimmicky than they make out to be. They seem to serve no real purpose aside from mildly suppressing hunger, whether lying sedentary or actually using them for exercise, and have eschewed taste and texture for a ton of protein. And yet they still manage to have as much sugar as a regular Snickers bar. I doubt I'd get these again, but I like to think I'll nibble on them from time to time when I'm craving something sweet but don't want to overindulge.

Vitamin Water Zero Rhythm

Haha, zero rhythm. Zing! Again, not funny. We picked up this new Vitamin Water in Tar-Jaaaay today. Seems like Vitamin Water is really out to market flavors that protect you...from yourself. Last month's flavor release was Stur-D, meant to help you strengthen your bones in the event of an inevitable fall, and now they've come out with Rhythm, meant to help you dance like a Guido? What? Sounds like a little conspiracy theory. I'll get the freaks on it.Vee Dubs Rhythm is billed as a starfruit and citrus blend with magnesium and potassium to give your heart a more regulated beat after you've wolfed down your Big Mac and aid you in your perpetual quest to choreograph those moves to The Humpty Dance. It also looks like what you'll be pissing out after you inevitably attempt that at a real wedding, get laughed at by hot bridesmaids, and soothe your broken soul at the cash bar. Seriously. The first thing we noticed about this was its blatant visual resemblance to urine. Good news for squeamish pee enthusiasts! Bad news for kindergarten teachers.But this pee drink is actually pretty good, despite really, really looking like pee. It's a dark, cloudy yellow. Honestly, it looks like nothing else. The flavor is mild, but not diluted. The citrus fruits give it a gentle tang similar to fruit punch or lemonade. It's quenching and has a slightly sweet aftertaste, but nothing off or chemical about it. I can imagine that this could be enhanced even more with another exotic citrus fruit, like yuzu. It also had a more pleasurable mouthfeel than juice or even the sugared Vitamin Waters, with a softer texture and less stickiness in the back of the mouth after.

This is really starting to sound like pee. Fuck.

My main complaint with this, aside from it not being congruent with my particular fetishes, is that it did not make me a better dancer. The typically smarmy Vitamin Water packaging recommended I try the two-step instead of the tango but I still found that to be a stretch. I am a complete fool with the ladies, but at least now I have a delicious drink to ease the pain.