Vegetarian Philly Cheesesteak

I’ve never actually eaten a real Philly Cheesesteak in Philly or elsewhere, since I don’t eat meat. Who makes the best one in Philly is an arguement that won't die no matter how much we don't give a crap.

All I know is that the sandwich consists of thinly sliced beef, onions, and Cheez Whiz® on an Italian roll. Common additions are mushrooms, sweet peppers, and ketchup. Cheese substitutions include provolone and American cheese.

I had my first vegetarian Cheesesteak almost two years ago at Gianna’s Grill, a punk meat/vegetarian/vegan sandwich shop in Philadelphia. I went on a whim one day when rain made it impossible to work. I was pumped and ready for Philadelphia’s namesake sandwich.

What a let down. The sandwich was browned TVP topped with vegan cheese on an Italian roll. The TVP smelled of dog food, like TVP does when it is not seasoned. I had to order a cup of BBQ sauce to make the sandwich edible.

Since then, I’ve been on a little mission to discover the vegetarian Philly Cheesesteak. This mission is not my waking and sleeping passion, but I try to order one when I’m in the right place and in the right frame of mind. I also have a veggie hot dog mission.

I had the idea of ordering a cheesesteak from many places in one day, and tasting them side by side. I nixed that idea when I thought it out a little farther. 1) It would take me half a day to go to six or more places to order a sandwich. 2) It would be expensive. 3) The sandwiches would get cold. 4) How in the hell would I eat all of them.

Soooo…I’ll just evaluate them at they come to me.

I’ve tried the above mention Gianna’s Grille. I’ve also tried the Cheesesteak at Sabrina’s and Govinda’s. Both of these were not bad, but no socks were blown off. I would review them more accurately, but my memory is weak. I’ll need to go back.

I recently tried the Cheesesteak at Copabanana’s, a somewhat Mardi Gras/Tropical themed American food restaurant on South Street. I would liken the restaurant to a burger bar at the beach. Not where I typically would go, but it was filling a need at the time.

I asked the waiter if the vegetarian Cheesesteak was good, and he shrugged, “It is what it is.”

He summed up my belief on Cheesesteaks. They are not some awesome, to-die-for sandwich, but just a mound of schlocky, greasy beef on a roll. It’s a crappy sandwich that satisfies your taste for meat and grease and fills the hole in your stomach. It is what it is.

I asked my meat-eating friend across the table what makes a Cheesesteak good, since he informed me that he has had a good one. He said that the good one’s have cheese in every bite. The cheese is layered or melts down into the beef so that each bite has integrated flavors.

Perhaps this is why Cheez Whiz® is the authentic cheese of the Philly Cheesesteak. Cheez Whiz® melts and oozes throughout the mound of beef. All of my Cheesesteaks have had cheese that melts and sits on the top since I opt out on Cheez Whiz.

Copabanana's Cheesesteak had a melted cheese shell on the top of a mound of seasoned soy. I had to order onions and mushrooms extra. The mushrooms were canned. I strangely love canned mushrooms, so this was a plus. The sandwich was not exciting, but filled the hole in my stomach. Next time I'm trying it with nasty Cheez Whiz® to be more authentic.

So, the mission continues half-heartedly.

Why half-heartedly?

Because it is what it is. A crappy sandwich.