In real life, I'm actually Jewish, so all the offensive pigeonholing I do now is completely permissible by today's standards. (I really am. It's on my trading card!) And tonight I'm reviewing a surprise that came with a gift from my father, the Gedilla Hanukkah Surprise dreidel.
I don't know exactly what type of kid receives this as a gift, unless you're counting me. Judaism lacks the overbearing sense of Catholic guilt that comes with Santa Claus and coal and shit, but this would definitely fall along the lines of a coal-related punishment for not filing your tax returns or telling Cousin Moshe to lay off the gefilte fish or something.
The kit is aptly shaped like a dreidel, but does not spin. This is a weakness. It is pretty hefty and contains a few snacks for enjoyment, including Gedilla's own Cheeto knock off, a lollipop, hard "Flash" candies, and large Smarties.We'll start with the least offensive, the Flash candies. These do not flash in your mouth but instead, have another special superpower. They take the form of waxy Mentos, with a slightly minty flavor and little resemblance to the fruit they are supposed to be, about as much relation as Woody Allen and his step-daughter wife have. So it's kosher! Fuck yeah!
Getting worse, we have a lollipop that resembles the kind one would normally receive as a child at a bank. Jesus, really? Stop it, Gedilla, you're just embarrassing yourself. I mean, at least go as far to pick on something the world doesn't already know about. Shove a bagel in there. Or call us lousy lovers. But come on, a bank lollipop? At least we know that it can't get any worse than-
WHAT.
WHAT.
REALLY?Sure, the lollipop tasted like the unloved stepchild of Pine-Sol and made my lips feel sticky and dirty inside, but god damn it, candy money just brings home the bac- er, breaks the ban- er, takes the cake. It takes the cake and sells it for a 500% markup. Shucks, that just ain't right. The candy money...eh, it's not so great either. Fun fact, in a recent study by the FDA, this was actually the placebo to Tums, except with no health benefits and less flavor. I didn't like these. They melted too quickly and left an aftertaste of frugality.
The last food (food?) in this grouping was the corn sticks. I was really excited for these because I love snacks and I love corn-based things, but when I saw the little, petulant bespectacled corn stick on the package, I fell even more in love. It's a little nod at all the nerdy kids in school! Screw you, dad, I didn't want to be a doctor any way! I just wanted to go into poetry and maize-inspired literature. But these are, like the rest of the Bad News Bears, pretty crappy. These are the Cheetos for the mildly deficient. If you cut yourself on their broken glass like texture, they'd give you these, the equivalent of Will Ferrell's wooden gun.The flavor is barbecue, and the package warns me that they are "spicy hot." Nothing I love more than a challenge, so into my mouth they went. They'd be better suited as packing peanuts, I'm afraid. But that little character makes the package. And now I shall bequeath the Hanukkah miracle to my roommates. I can stand this no longer. Thanks anyway, dad!
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