Cooper's Cream Cheese Jalapenos

One of greatest things about being a bachelor and living on my own is that I don’t have anyone to try to control what I eat. Unlike how Keepitcoming keeps strict limits on Foodette’s dietary intake, I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I can make my meals as rich or as decadent as I want. When I go to Burger King, I can get a Triple Whopper with bacon and not have to deal with the constant nagging and guilt that poor Foodette would have to endure from the old ball and chain if she even thought of the words “triple whopper” and “bacon” in the same paragraph. One time when I wasn’t feeling like making dinner after work, I decided to make a meal out of a pack of Oreo cookies and about a quart of milk. It wasn’t a few Oreos, or even a sleeve of Oreos, it was the whole damn pack and it was glorious.

I saw these frozen cream cheese jalapeno poppers in the store one day and thought they would be a very nice addition to any meal I decided to make. It might even be something that was easy and quick to make to satisfy those late night munchies. After a hard day of work, I decided to grill up a burger and nuke these bad boys and have them on the side. The instructions to make these were quite simple. All one had to do was to empty the box onto a plate and put it in the microwave for a few minutes. I grilled up my burger to perfection and poured myself a stiff drink and was ready to enjoy.

Yes, that’s a glass of scotch. In case you were wondering…

The first thing I noticed about these cream cheese poppers was that it suffered from the Hot Pocket paradox of microwave heating. For some of them, the cheese center was still stiff and icy cold, while on some of them the center had turned into sticky napalm lava. The only way to make sure all were going to be cooked evenly was to rearrange the platter and put it back in the microwave for another few minutes, of course this resulted in lava filled gushers after a while.

After a few rearrangements of the platter and a series of reheating and cooling, they were finally ready to eat. The taste of these things turned out to be pretty average. The people at Cooper’s definitely did not bring anything new to the Cream Cheese filled Jalapenos market. The cheese was rather greasy and flavorless. The layer of jalapeno pepper was a strange leathery texture and eating it felt like chewing on a thin belt. The breading on each of the poppers was soaked with a strange liquid that was a mix of water and grease. These poppers weren’t good but they were edible. It wouldn’t be something I get to eat on a special occasion but it would probably be something I could bear to eat during one of my late night episodes of the munchies, or at least with much help from my good friend Jonathan Walker.