Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there. I was about to relive one of my therapist's favorite childhood ex-boyfriend memories of mine, but then I remembered how anxious you were when you called me on the phone, baby girl, asking me to review the new nugget sauces. Well, here I am. Minus one sauce, but who the fuck cares, anyhow? We're here and we're droppin' dollas and chompin' chicken, son.
In this photo, there are five sauces. There are supposed to be six. Two of the five sauces above are OG. This introduction is starting to look like it will be automatically harder than the hardest question on the SAT if I continue. There are four new sauces, two of which look like they're definitely repurposed Chicken Selects sauces (yeah, honey mustard and ranch, I'm talking to you.) and one of them is not so much new so much as back from the dead, last year's hit from the Winter Olympics, the sweet chili sauce itself. And the other will have to wait for another time. I don't know. My forecasting figures that it will be better than most commercially viable creamy buffalo sauces, of which there are currently zero, but not as good as the zesty/buffalo sauces from Burger King. I'll have my analysts check that out. Jesus, I'm resentful.
In addition to the three new sauces, I got one of each of the current favorites, sweet and sour and barbecue. Oddly, no hot mustard, and I'm dearly hoping they haven't phased it out as of all the sauces, it's by far my absolute favorite, despite being more vinegary than hot. While I had a hankering for mustard, I tried the honey mustard. Meh. Meh to honey mustard. Years of slathering it on has dulled my senses. I want brown sugar mustard. I want maple mustard. Honey and I are on good terms, but she just doesn't do it for me any more. It had a flat flavor and a sweet, inoffensive bite. It's not hot mustard. That woman is my mistress.
The ranch looked lazy and repackaged but was, to my surprise, far superior to its "select" counterpart. Not only was it thicker and completely devoid of watery texture, it had a flavor similar to sour cream and onion potato chips, which means the food scientists are doing their job. Good show. It had a slight peppery bite and visible herbs and spices and all sorts of shit. My favorite of the new ones so far.
The last of the new sauces was the sweet chili sauce. As far as I can tell, this sauce hasn't been upgraded or downgraded at all. If you chopped up a three piece of Chicken Selects, tossed them with this sauce and sweet and sour, and placed them on a lettuce slice you'd have an instant Chinese-American entree of Crispy Northern Style Warrior Rolls, available at your local PF Chang's for just $14.99. And yeah, I like that sauce, much as I love Tong Sing's homemade mustard and duck sauce. It's generic but it's likeable.
Overall, I'm not too impressed with the sauces, with the exception of the fact that they are genetically engineered to go perfectly with nuggets and literally nothing else. We tried the sauces on tortilla bits after we plowed through the 4 spot, but they ended up tasting crappy and made me feel cheap. On the inside. I don't understand what's so "new" about taking a leaf from Taco Bell's book and just reintroducing the same product over and over with new packaging. Bringing back an LTO is a nice perk, though. Gotta say, I expected more from McDonald's, especially with this new addition to their sauce line. Granted, it's hard to think of different kinds of sauces that the public will enjoy. Personally, I think an avocado sauce, like Subway is now trying, or a honey lime sauce would be tasty. Maybe a sauce similar to Chick-Fil-A's Polynesian. Who knows? In any case, you can do better, McDonald's. You can do better.
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