Ben and Jerry's Schweddy Balls

Because the one thing my diet is lacking in are the alcohol-tinged balls of quintuple bypass survivors. I think, on my ever-expanding list of things I genuinely have no interest in putting in my mouth, sweaty balls, or really, the vast majority of testicles, are close to the top. When I saw this in the stores, though, it was hard to resist. Being a lover of all things malty and chocolatey, I figured I'd give it a swirl. And since Ben and Jerry's have had some deceptively decent flavors lately, how bad could it be?

While I won't go as far as to compare it to the tiresome task of teabagging, it's not too far from sucking balls. The label, a hot mess of words, sweater-wearing badgers, and catch phrases to heighten its appeal, describes this as being vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum, loaded with rum balls and malt balls. If you're not already familiar with the joke, it inexplicably capitalizes on the popularity of a very old Alec Baldwin sketch on SNL. Why this didn't live and die in the 80's, I'll never know. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why Ben and Jerry's is focusing on old television tropes in the first place, and at such a late time. Like its namesake, the joke is withered and stale. Ten years from now we'll probably see LOLcats Lingonberry and wrinkle our bionic noses in confusion.

My cat loves eating Schweddy Balls.

The vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum tastes less like Cacique and more like Chuck E. Cheese, in a neutered, pervasive artificial tang that reminds me of a particular Weight Watchers "dessert" of frozen Cool Whip. As a base flavor, this limits it to being a fairly lackluster BJ. This ice cream lacks the packed denseness of other flavors and abandons the traditional chocolate or caramel swirled offering as well, perhaps to detract consumers from wondering if they were getting Schweddy Balls and other offerings from the same general region of the body.

In any case, the resulting product is bland-looking and bland tasting, and to add insult to injury, the package is a real eyesore. But with the shoddy quality of the balls, I'm not surprised. Getting malt balls or rum balls was a crapshoot both in number and flavor. An AC/DC hit this was not. While I enjoyed the frozen, foamy texture of the former, the latter was exuberantly boozy in a rubbing alcohol and Band-Aid fashion.

With a haphazard product like this one, it doesn't take a genius to realize what a blatant marketing vehicle this is. And it shows in the quality of the ice cream, though I did note the subtle jab at making the ice cream a milky white vanilla, thin in texture and somewhat goopy. Regardless, this feels like the shoddy byproduct of a basement-dwelling manchild's inner fantasy, and one that I hope will soon be castrated and whisked from the shelves.

Latin Farmer

Update: no longer in operation.

Puerto Rican native Wilfredo Manzano aims to bring a healthier version of Latin foods to the streets of Philadelphia with his lime green Latin Farmer food truck. We found him parked at Headhouse Square Farmers' Market on a recent Sunday, but he also pulls up to Love Park, Norris Square Farmer's Market, and Temple. Like most mobile eateries, it's best to follow their whereabouts on Twitter.
Using local foods when possible, Latin Farmer's menu is comprised of empanadas, bocadillos, collard wraps, hummus, and usually at least one dessert and special drink. Any truck in Philly that sells empanadas seems to sell out fast, and the same is true for Latin Farmer.

As a vegetarian, I would like to see one of the two empanadas, and one of the two bocadillos offered be vegetarian, but with such a short menu, I guess we're lucky that Latin Farmer offers a vegan collard wrap and hummus. And, that vegan collard wrap is excellent! Supple collard leaves envelope mofungo, a traditional Puerto Rican dish of mashed plantains and garlic, for a unique and healthy lunch. The sweet sugarcane stewed onions, and lively tomato chimichurri and citrus mojo really add a pleasant punch of flavor, elevating the plantain mash to a remarkable meal. Had I known a dollop of hummus and baked plantain chips came with the collard wrap, I would not have ordered . . .a side of hummus and plantain chips. While the side of hummus and plantain chips that comes with the collard wrap is just enough to satisfy the need for a little something extra with lunch, the side that you can order separately is probably best shared with another person.

Latin Farmer's hummus flavors change, and this day they had lima bean and saffron hummus hinting at a little spice and garlic, but, for my taste, was a tad too salty. It's nice to see healthier baked plantains, instead of greasy fried plantains.While I couldn't order a vegetarian savory empanada from Latin Farmer, I did get a pastelillo, which is essentially a sweet empanada. The tamarind and cream cheese pastelillo with orange-coriander crema and dulce de leche had so many flavors in the description, but all I could distinguish was cream cheese and dulce del leche. The pastry was perfectly crisped, but the overflowing pocket of cream cheese was just too much — another texture than goo filling the pastelillo would have been nice. The dulce de leche, while delicious, was flawed with gritty grains of sugar running throughout the sauce.

That mofungo collard wrap is quite marvelous, and I'd be eager to try a different version of their pastelillo the next time Latin Farmer rolls to a stop with their healthy Latin eats.

The Latin Farmer
@LatinFarmer

Green & Black’s Classic Collection

It’s about time I continued working on my backlog of reviews. First, a PR representative for Green & Black’s kindly sent the lovely Classic Collection of miniature chocolate bars. The first thing that popped into my head when I saw the tiny bars was that they would be a great size for an American Girl doll (my favorite childhood toy). Maybe that's why I still think miniatures are so fun!

The cutest thing about the bars was that they were perforated, just like a full size bar! Adorable. The perforations worked, too, which is always a plus! The collection includes six varieties: Milk, 70% Cocoa, Ginger, Cherry, Almond, and Toffee. There were two bars of each kind, so I recruited my husband as a guest taster and have included some of his comments below. I should also mention that, to quote the press email, Green & Black's sources high-quality organic and fair trade certified ingredients for all of its bars, and that this collection will be available for $9.99 in US major retailers starting in September.


look how cute these are!
Even though it's a standard flavor, Milk was not my favorite of the set. It's really just my personal preference (which is typically > 60% cocoa or bust). It was very sweet and milky with a sticky melt (which is what my husband likes about milk chocolate). I detected a hint of what almost seemed like mintiness, but it could have been my imagination.

However, when the milk chocolate was combined with Toffee, I loved it. The bar had a nutty, caramelized flavor that went very well with the sweet milk chocolate. The chewy, slight crunch of the toffee was just right (Heath bars are too hard for me). The finish was very sweet, but it went well with the subtly salty toffee.

The Almond bar smelled milky, and the chocolate was soft and sticky. the almond pieces had a tender texture with a slightly crunch coating. The flavors mixed well, and it had a well balanced sweetness.


But you know I was waiting for those dark bars. The Dark 70% bar had a satisfying snap and a nice, sweet start. The middle was fruity and slightly bitter, with the bitterness in the forefront on the finish. It had a lovely smooth melt and hints of toasty marshmallow flavor. It was never too bitter or too sweet, making it a fine specimen of dark chocolate. I'd be tempted to buy this bar alone in full size if I had a dark chocolate craving.

Cherry consisted of dried cherries in dark chocolate, and I was immediately stuck by just how sour the cherries were. My husband and I both love sour cherries, but neither of us were crazy about them here. The cherries struck me as especially tangy against the dark chocolate, and I might have liked it better with a sweeter chocolate to counteract the sour. It might have been because of the small size, because I noticed bites that had more chocolate than cherry were much better.


Finally, the Ginger bar was a standout for both myself and my husband. It totally hit the spot. The 60% cocoa went very well with the sharp and noticeable (but not too strong) ginger pieces. The bar was clean, refreshing, and unique. The ginger added a tasty crunch and spicy flavor without a sinus-clearing burn. I could definitely see this as a great dessert after a pungent meal.

Green & Black's Classic Collection has a lot to offer, with the Toffee, 70% Cocoa, and Ginger bars standing out in particular. While I wasn't crazy about the Cherry, I did appreciate its boldness, and it was really only the Milk that didn't excite me. The Classic Collection felt fresh, and tasting the set was a very enjoyable experience.

A-

Green & Black's website

Product was submitted for review by a PR representative. No compensation was received and the product was reviewed just like any other.

Isala Amaretti

This summer, a scientist from the Italian branch of my company came to work at our lab for a couple weeks. Before she left, she shared some treats from Italy. Our lab interns warned me that they tasted weird, but I was undeterred; I thought the Amaretti macaroons looked delicious!

Almond can be an intense flavor, and I think that might have been what scared off some of my coworkers. My dad (who works in the same office) sampled the cookies before me and described them as fragrant. For the record, he enjoyed them.


The Amaretti smelled strongly of almond extract, heavy with woodsy, cherry-like notes. I was surprised that the cookie was very soft and had a sugar-like crunch. It chewed from a light and fragrant fluffy nut paste to a slightly bitter but very sweet finish. I got a strong sensation of amaretto, but there was no alcohol taste.

The Amaretti was moist with a gritty, soft crunch - not at all doughy. The delicate texture reminded me of French macarons, although the Italian Amaretti were much denser and had a much stronger flavor. I enjoyed the heavy aromatic almond sensation, but those less keen on almonds or amaretto would do well to avoid these.

B+

Wheat Thins Smoky Barbecue

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Wheat Thins are the leather-jacketed Milhouse van Houten of the snack food world. If Chester the Cheetah's smug grin embodies the malice of a well-executed Bart Simpson prank, and Smartfood is the snack of choice for Lisa, Wheat Thins just get carried along with the excitement. But not any more, according to a gorgeous hand-written love note I received with my samples. Wheat Thins aren't going to take it sitting down any more.

The new Wheat Thins Smoky Barbecue flavor, or Smoky Barbecue Wheat Thins if you're teaching the basic rules of grammar, boast a "subtle zest" and whole-grain wholesome composition. Well, call me Pollyanna and buy me a Harley. We got us an oxymoron up in here. Health? Barbecue? Isn't Mississippi, the queen of barbecue, the fattest state in the USA?
That's not to say that the flavors don't work well, though. What's obnoxious about barbecue-flavored snacks is tempered down and savory here, with a flavorful, albeit somewhat tame smoky flavor, and what's dry and bland about healthy snacks is accentuated. Speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't particularly enjoy wheat or barbecue, I was in a risky demographic. Surprisingly, I really liked the flavor of these, especially how prominent the honey flavor of the Wheat Thins was when paired with the barbecue.

While I haven't tried these with many toppings, I did try them with a hot salsa, hummus, and a dab of hot sauce. All three accentuated the flavors and blended well. These would make really tasty appetizers and might even work well as a crushed-up breading on chicken. I never resist the opportunity to barbecue while I barbecue. We ended up just eating them straight out of the box, but were pleased with the flavor combinations. This is one of the tastiest permutations of barbecue I've eaten. Although I'm not a huge fan of the flavor, I'm definitely a convert to these.

Free Soft Serve at Burger King!

Burger King is debuting its expanded dessert menu, and you can celebrate the end of summer with a free soft serve cone from Burger King! Until October 9th, anyone who purchases a BK Value meal will receive a free small soft serve cup or cone.

Joining the list of desserts are a selection of sundaes and milkshakes. I've got my eye on the peach and granola sundae. Readers, what do you like to eat at Burger King? I'm absurdly addicted to their Double Stacker. Fatass = WINNING.

Marks and Spencer Colin the Caterpillar Marshmallows

I feel the need to preface this by promising that by no means will I sneak insect puns into this review. That shit just bugs me. All right. Now I'm done. We can start now.
A gift from Keepitcoming Love, joining Percy Pig and his motley crew of DSM diagnosable friends is the binge-eating Colin, who "is what he eats." Well, I suppose that's sound advice. I got tested last week for a genetic study and was found to be one part cold Lunchables Pizza Kickers, one part Nat Sherman Fantasia, one part rhymes with "vagina" and one part Fruit 2 0 'n' vodka, so I guess it works for all of us. But in Colin's case study, which reads more like a rejected Grimm brothers fable for latter-day Augustus Gloops, he ate so much chocolate cake that he eventually turned into one, and from that day on, changed his shape, color, and flavor depending on what he ate.

Ignoring the fact that that's pretty scary, abandon your thoughts of waking up one morning to find yourself tasting a lot like Cheetos and sweaty dicks and dissect Colin with me. From the looks of this package, Colin's latest fad diet was marshmallows, probably promising a loss of 10 pounds in 3 days, just in time for the bug mixer or whatever the hell it was he was eating all the marshmallows for. True to form, each candy is shaped like a giant caterpillar, complete with thorax, spiracles, and all. Thanks, insect science! The marshmallows are squashy and powdery, your average jet-puffed with Neapolitan flavors.

Colin is a little paradoxical in that it's a little hard to figure out what's going on with the snack. First he's a gummy candy bug, then he's a chocolate cake, and now he's a marshmallow, but he's flavored like an Italian dessert. I sense a little dessert dysphoria going on. In any case, he can talk that over with Chaz Bono, because his marshmallows are here to stay. The flavors are generic tasting, no more sophisticated than your average flavored 'mallow, but they're incredibly fun to eat and pose.