Scooter Pie

This is an absolutely terrible name. I mean, it's a bastardization of a moon pie, fueled with the tears of grandchildren (true story!) and manages to become entirely tasteless. But it's a Southern classic, with an RC Cola, and since I'm not in the South, we get the leftover brand name confection, the scooter pie.

Moon pie has its flavors, though, and varieties popped out every so often to make life exciting. But the scooter pie doesn't even have its own website, it's so vague. So I went out on a quest to see exactly what this enigma tasted like.Unwrapping it, I was dismayed to find that there were two of these circular hells in the package. The chocolate didn't melt on my hands, it was that waxy, and the marshmallow inside had the consistency of Silly Putty and a similar flavor. Believe me, I know. That's exactly how I lost my first tooth. The surrounding graham crackers were both mushy and crumbly at the same time, like some Schrodinger's Crap paradox, and the entire combination was like the s'more from hell.Look, South, stick to fried chicken and red velvet cake. This. Is. Not. Food. NOT FOOD. Don't eat it. Don't touch it. It's really quite cruel to consider chewing on, as the byproduct turns out to be the exact consistency of gum dropped in a sandbox. Bad food.