American Flatbread Three Cheese and Tomato

There is so much to make fun of about hipsters. It's almost overwhelming. I don't even know where to start. Likewise, there's a lot to make fun of about American Flatbread, starting with the $10.99 price tag at Whole Foods.Thankfully, this was free, so Keepitcoming and I brought it home and popped it in the oven for dinner. The package was kind enough to include cooking instructions for us fire pit owners, an admittedly small demographic, and also gave directions for using the "Neolithic method" over an open fire. How quaint. (Note: I do not own a fire pit.) It also tells a cheerful anecdote about burn victims, something I love to recall when I am leaning over a hot oven, and delineates itself as "pizza with integrity".
Dinosaurs also have integrity.

With the pizza heating instructions came a terrifying, ominous warning. If we let this bake for more than seven or eight minutes, it would turn tough and leathery. Luckily, we didn't, so the end result was thankfully soft and mushy in a reconstituted texture, new for geriatrics! On this variety, three cheese and tomato, there happened to be much more cheese than some of the other frozen pizzas we've had. It came out of the oven smelling like a rock star and very crispy, so we expected the best.The overall result was, unfortunately, just extremely bland. It smelled and felt like high quality ingredients. The ingredient list even had "good mountain water", just like Ina Garten wants us to use. But when we ate it, there was no feeling of "Sweet Jesus, this is so good that I need to eat as much as I can physically stomach, and then more." The crust was crispy on the outside and gummy on the inside. There was no sharpness or creaminess from the cheese. It was certainly not "the best frozen pizza money can buy," but that's the New York Times we're quoting from, and all jest aside, we can get a better pizza from Amy's at around 75% of the price.