Sahale Snacks Ksar Pistachio Nut Blend

Today's review was brought to you by an intriguing comment by a cowardly reader. Recently, it was brought to my attention that my reviews were pretentious and favored expensive, low quality foods over cheap, high-quality condiments that I'm clearly missing out on loving to death. Yup, I'm just out to squash the little guy under my leather Charles Jourdain pumps. I had no idea I was Satan and Big Oil and Pacific Gas & Electric, but that's why the website is called Commenter Reviews, right? All these things make me think a lot of feelings about myself.
Of course, the last time I checked, it wasn't, and that's why I'd like to highlight one of my favorite products to prove you wrong. Have you met my friend Honey Badger? Sahale Snacks is easily one of my favorite snack companies because it takes boring base ingredients (nuts) and gives them thirty pieces of flair (spices, herbs, fruit, and other nuts) to keep them exciting and awesome. Sahale's blends are some of the most original I've come across. I mean, how often does your government-issued campfire trail mix come with lavender, orange zest, or lemongrass? Tonight's offering was indeed found at our local discount grocery store, and I did love it.
The Ksar nut blend features a base of pistachios accented with sesame seeds, pepitas, fig, and harissa. Definitely sounds more like something you'd find orbiting a sphere of pork butt or pumpkin rind at Alinea, no? But this stuff is available to the masses without a crazy reservation for the mere price of $2 and change. Not bad at all. In yet another delightfully self-promotional twist, I'm going to go as far as to liken this to my own website. Perhaps in individual elements, it's not perfect. Your eyes may hurt from my cheap orange and turquoise color scheme or you might not like how chewy the fig balls are in the Ksar blend. You might find my prose trite and the pepitas too spicy, or my photos crappy and the sesame seeds invisible. But quite honestly, if you open wide and take the whole thing in, you'll find that it's awesome. It's a little whacky, and it's definitely not for everyone, but it's delightful to behold and will satisfy you long into the night. Just like that, baby, just like that.
This mix has a charming versatility to it that makes me want to cancel any dinner plans I have on any given day and experiment with this- with grinding the nuts and coating chicken breasts with them, or mixing them into a stew or shredded taco meat. Maybe even blending them with a little oil to create a savory, spicy nut butter? There's just so much to this flavor profile that aches for customization to an individual dish. Not that it's not excellent to eat on its own. The harissa really comes out when paired with the earthy pepita seeds. For whatever reason, this heat is strongest on them, possible from their higher concentration of oil and toasted flavor. The figs added a much needed jamminess to the whole mix to counterbalance the buttery, savory indulgence from the nuts. All in all, pretty darn perfect. And only a few dollars for a quality product. See? Just get to know me. Perhaps you'll find that my elitism isn't as bad as you may think. Or maybe you won't. I guess the truth is that I don't really give a Ksar.

Gross Food Week #1: The Original Hooters Medium Wing Sauce

HOOTERS WHHHYYYYYYY???

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. With that exuberant commencement speech, let us begin Gross Week 2012. Today's selection embodies all of the principles that I consider to be important for this theme week, namely, that it is a proudly licensed product aggressively marketed by its source and even touted as "secret", that it is a disturbing shade of nuclear hazard orange, and that it was 99 cents at a grocery clearance store. The fact that it is not, like so many products at this store, past its sell date should give you a taste of its quality already.
Where to begin? There's just so much to cover on the label alone. Let's start with the lusty endorsement from the Hooters owl himself, "A thrill on the grill BBQ!" It doesn't take a professor with a Ph.D in Lolology to figure out how Engrishy that is. Despite my suspicions that this was some sort of perverted and failed test item, it turns out that Hooters still makes this sauce, selling it for a mere $7 on the interwebz, and still employs this awful catch phrase. Reading further, I caught the official Hooters logo emblazoned no less than four times on the jar. Either they're trying really, really hard to prevent copyright theft or they're actually proud of this product.
The directions on the side (whose inaccuracies I'll later explain) also provide a list of recommendations of foods with which you can drown in this sauce. Surprisingly, slathering the sauce on the breasts of an after-hours Hooters waitress is not one of them. There goes my bucket list. The cooking process sounded easy enough- fry up some wings, toss them in the sauce, enjoy with a side of classified ads to wipe away the tears and excess dribblings. Not so terrible, right?

AHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Oh my god, it's like the bastard child of napalm and nacho cheese. My hatred for Robin Williams and Spy Kids has nothing on this one. I think you get the picture. Yep, nasty surprise number two- the sauce had the texture of cold margarine and the smell of gasoline, Tabasco, and melting plastic. This in no way felt like something I should have put near my face, much less ingest. And I haven't a clue why the instructions said to shake the jar first- it's about as productive as shaking a jar of peanut butter. But readers, like a dutiful serf, what I do, I do for you. And so I began the process of cooking my wings.
I decided to try this on both breaded and non-breaded wings to get an idea as to how it adhered to the chicken. Huge mistake on my part. On both applications, the sauce had the softness of warm yogurt and melted like butter on toast. On the pieces of unbreaded chicken, it left no more than a slick trail on the skin and clumped at the bottom of the plate, and on the breaded pieces, it melted into the nooks and crannies and separated almost immediately after sticking on. It felt like the sauce was too runny to handle any temperature above lukewarm, yet was so congealed in its original form that it was also unable to function as a dipping sauce.
Once the wings were no longer molten and ready to eat, the sauce returned to its original liquid consistency, that of a melted almond bark coating, and shellacked the wings to the plate, rendering them mere components in a disgusting and inedible art project and requiring the force of a fork and knife to remove them from their glued-on state. Taking this photo was easy as they remained preserved in their original positions on the plate, held upside down, for over two minutes.
It tasted rancid. This is exactly the kind of product that aspires to be a hot mess and fails miserably. There was literally no element of this that made it appear edible, much less palatable. The heat is warm, but no warmer than a hamburger sitting next to a bottle of mediocre hot sauce and certainly not at the level of any Buffalo wing you'll find at a sports bar. It has an oily, thick consistency not unlike facial cream, were said facial cream purchased at a dollar store and had a slight numbing effect on the lips. It tastes predominantly of vinegar and Crisco with an aggressively salty bite and leaves a buttery slick all the way down the throat. The sauce had the unique ability to permeate through even the thickest flour breading on a wing, saturating the meat so with its liquid ass flavor and rendering every single wing I made inedible. Lest you worry that I went hungry, I thankfully deployed my backup wing supply with a hot honey and red pepper flake sauce and ate them with gusto.
Congratulations, Hooters. In the world of successful marketing vehicles, this sauce is the abandoned flaming Pinto on cinder blocks with a tarp and headless doll in the trunk.

GIVEAWAY: West Bend Versatility Cooker

Have you seen my Facebook page? No? You should. It's pretty awesome. It's the mecca of all the behind the scenes fun that I don't post on the site. I can't write about everything that comes to mind, believe it or not, and often have to be pretty selective. Oh, and I'm also giving away a slow-cooker on it.
West Bend sent me an awesome slow cooker for the winter and is also providing one for a very lucky reader. Details for the giveaway are at the bottom, but here's my scoop on all things slow. Like I said, the Facebook page exists solely for me to show off my leftovers and creepy creations to the general public without being the recipient of a restraining order. One of my favorite recent posts was the onslaught of tacos I made back in November- simple, easy homemade masa tortillas with shredded chicken and the best salsa in the world. I can easily eat six at a time, for I am the great taco destroyer.
With the Versatility Cooker featuring a slow cooking function and a griddle, making these was a no-brainer. They're easy and deeply spicy, with a heat that threatens to vanquish even the most clogged nose or sorest throat. Chicken soup v2.0, if you will. Setting up the cooker was pretty easy, and the parts came apart for simple assembly and later storage. There are a few neat customizable settings on the cooker- low heat, high heat, keep warm, and griddle, as well as a timer so you can set your own time should you so choose.
I found that my recipe, which made roughly three servings of shredded chicken, definitely didn't require the five hours allotted for the high heat setting or the nine hours for the low heat. The preprogrammed cooking times are definitely formatted for larger quantities of food. Not necessarily a bad thing, but also a little much for a smaller recipe. I chose not to fiddle with the customized timing and just set my tacos on high, checking periodically and stopping about two hours in when I felt it was finished. There's a reason why "set it and forget it" is so appealing- a few hours later, dinner was ready. The cooker is perfect for multi-taskers with limited space. While the chicken cooled, I cooked the tortillas on the griddle.
Everyone loved them.
Yes, everyone.
Clean-up is a little unwieldy as the griddle cannot be removed from its base, so you're limited to the space around you to clean it in. Scratching is also a hazard. It includes a stainless steel roasting rack, another feature that slightly worries me with the metal-on-nonstick friction, never a good sign. While the pot can be cleaned in the dishwasher, I'm leery of trying it out as I'd hate for the non-stick finish to get warped or scratched in any way. That, and the somewhat harsh beeping the cooker makes when it is turned on or any setting is changed, are the only two features I wasn't keen on. It's a fantastic appliance for anyone with limited space or time and is incredibly easy to use.How do I win this awesome device? Easy. If you're already a fan of my Facebook page, you're ahead. Simply email me at foodette.reviews@gmail.com detailing the next recipe or idea you think I should use with my cooker and you'll be entered into the running. I'll pick the best recipe on Sunday, January 15th, and follow up with a feature post!
Chicken Tacos Verde
Ingredients (serves 3)
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
2 boneless chicken thighs
2 cans or 6 whole roasted jalapeno peppers
3/4 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon of pepper
1/4 teaspoon of cumin
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder, or one garlic clove
1/8th cup of Cognac
1/4 cup of freshly squeezed orange juice
1/4 teaspoon of orange zest
2 cups of water
Salsa verde and tortillas to assemble
1. Put all ingredients (with the exception of the salsa and tortillas) in a slow cooker or pot on the stove, allowing the mixture to slowly simmer for four hours.
2. Remove chicken and shred with two forks.
3. Serve with tortillas and salsa and enjoy!

Pumpkin Goat Cheese Cornbread Balls

Hypocrisy! I believe we've met. Specifically, the time when I backhandedly insulted cake balls for being little more than a trendy fad. What I didn't count on was loving them. And needing to make them. I still don't see a point in baking cakes for the sole purpose of rehydrating them in ball form, but you tell me what to do with two-thirds of a leftover pan of cornbread, a log of goat cheese, and a three inch-tall bit of salsa left in the jar. Sigh. It's like Chopped for sad bachelors.

Well, long story short, I gussied up my ill-fated flirt with Larry the Cable Guy's muffin mix and turned it into these pumpkin goat cheese cornbread balls. I made them under the guise of pretending to throw a big, impromptu party for all my fabulous associates and dearest friends. In reality, I chilled them and ate them for dinner. They were delicious. They used up all my leftovers. And they are a bite-sized, handheld alternative to brie rings or cheese loaves or crab dip for your (actual) shindigs.

The steps were similar to making the cake balls, substituting cornbread (I had some made from a mix, but you could make it homemade if you wanted to) for cake and goat cheese and salsa for frosting. The outside was a lime-chili spice mixture, and I dipped them in the best jalapeno dip known to man, Dr. Gonzo's Jalapenomash. I encourage you to order it in bulk or use whatever your favorite it- but please make sure it's green. My Jewish family members will thank you and your holiday tablescape will be just as ornate as Sandra Lee's.

Step 1. Mash the cornbread with the salsa and goat cheese.

Step 2. Roll the balls in the spices.

Step 3. ????

Step 4. PROFIT

Pumpkin Goat Cheese Cornbread Balls (makes thirty)

Ingredients

1 loaf of cornbread (packaged or homemade)

1 8 oz. log of goat cheese

1/2 cup of chunky salsa (I used pumpkin salsa, but any type would work)

1/4 cup of chili-lime seasoning for rolling

Salsa to dip in

1. Bake your cornbread. When it is cooled, crumble with hands or a fork until fine.

2. Mix in salsa and goat cheese until it resembles a loose, crumbly dough.

3. Roll into small balls and roll in the chili-lime seasoning.

4. Chill for one to six hours and serve with salsa!

Bissinger's Apple Ghost Chili Salt Caramels

It's somewhat of a disconcerting feeling to go to a store the day after Christmas and see all the cheerful Santas in a heap near the spoiled milk and store brand popcorn ball display, discarded in a net of partially broken lights, and see employees diligently setting up the former Christmas aisle for Valentine's Day on December 26th. Sometimes they'll even do it on Christmas night when nobody but the absent-minded dads comes in to a Walmart to get Christmas presents.

Whenever I go to a trade show that has these advance holiday specials months before the holiday even makes an impact on your wallet, I get that sad day-after-Christmas feeling burrowing a dark hole into my psyche. And not just because I'm Jewish. Wah waaaaah. Now, imagine Woody Allen repeating everything in the previous paragraph in a fairly nasal voice. "You know, I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I - I don't respond well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to - if I get too mellow, I - I ripen and then rot, you know." In any event, that's my long-winded explanation for why I've been saving these Halloween candies and treats. I got these six months ago and they've been sitting in my fridge like a time capsule since then. And it makes me sad to envision holidays before they actually come. TL;DR, these are candies that may look unappealing because they're not as fresh as they were half a year back. SOWWY.

Regardless, these caramels are beautiful. They incorporate sixty of my favorite flavors, which is the number I'm going to give because I don't feel like counting the flavors. But honestly, this caramel is fairly multi-faceted. Salted caramel on its own can be a beautiful, graceful enigma wrapped in chocolate. Add a note of apple for a twist on the caramel apple and you've got a sophisticated holiday treat. But infuse the sea salt with chili and you're dealing with another breed entirely. Chili and salt are two savory, strong ingredients that add to the depth and umami of a dessert, but when combined have the potential to really overwhelm a sweet confection and render it grainy and choked with spices.

However, that's the kind of bush league game I'd expect from a worse company. Having enjoyed literally everything I've had from Bissinger's in the past, a company with a few centuries of experience can generally experiment with no harm or ill will. I'm impressed that with a 300 year reputation, they're willing to step outside the box and try something this wild. These are phenomenal. The outside is redolent with a sweet, unobtrusive and silky milk chocolate with the peppery bite of tangy ghost chili sea salt on top. The ghost chili flavor isn't as powerful as sauces I've had with the same pepper. For hotheads, this will come as a disappointment, but it is for the better as it better maintains the balance when it doesn't steal the show.

It's quite a well-balanced caramel. The inside is lush and soft, with a buttery caramel center. The caramel is flavored on the light and milky side, no burnt or salted notes present in the caramel itself. But this is also a plus as it plays nicely with the wonderful apple flavors, a natural, tart, floral essence about as far removed from Jolly Ranchers as they come. All in all, an excellent treat and a fantastic incarnation of a holiday. From the reference to ghosts to the playful version of the classic caramel apple, this is the best tricky treat I've had so far. I want to see a pine and peppermint salted caramel for Christmas, a sweet potato cranberry for Thanksgiving, and a rabbit jerky truffle for Easter. I'm smitten with the idea of hyperspecific holiday treats, and with this in my belly, I can no longer go back to the halfhearted pumpkin-shaped candies of yore. (First DSLR food photographs thanks to my wonderful Mom!)

Frontera Limited Edition Chipotle Pumpkin Salsa

As I've mentioned, I'm moderately obsessed with the chill of autumn. Now that it's getting to be time for gloves and huddling, though, I'm finding out, as I do every year, that I'm only obsessed with the idea of looking moody and lost in thought in the chill of autumn. After that one perfect profile picture is snapped, I'm cursing and looking for the nearest shower to warm up in.

I needed a snack tonight and found myself longing for the salsa and chip appetizer generally accompanying warm, summer nights out in the yard. And then I remembered this crazy salsa we had in the back of the fridge. I grabbed this at a time, mid-July, at the Fancy Food Show when eating it seemed a little blasphemous with all the green and red salsas lying around. But I'm good enough at planning ahead that when I see freaking pumpkin chipotle salsa, I know that come October, I'm going to be nomming for eight because it's so good. And this was a Rick Bayless creation that seamlessly bridges the gap between summer and fall, a man whose takes on Mexican have been salivated over many an afternoon in Whole Foods. I met chef Bayless, strongarmed a jar of this, and waited four months to write about it. That's dedication.

You'll notice this jar is propped up like a taxidermied Anne Geddes baby. I don't give a crap. Inside that jar, which, mind you, is clearly the more boss of seasonal flavors- eff you, heirloom tomato, is a smoky, sweet combination of chunks of peppers, tomatoes, and pumpkins bathed in a perfectly executed chipotle sauce. Chipotle is incredibly overrated, but when paired well, it's transcendental. And this is paired very, very well. It's not so much a smoky flavor as it is charred, with bits of blackened pepper and tomato skin floating around in the sauce, giving it a deep, rich flavor and an intensely smoked bite. At first, there's no heat, and I didn't expect there to be with all of the pumpkin spices, like nutmeg, cinnamon, and brown sugar, giving it a rounded, sweet potato-like flavor, but after a few bites, a lingering heat emerged and persisted for quite some time.

Like some of the other pumpkin products I've sampled, this manifested its fall colors in the spices it used rather than the ingredients, despite there being actual pumpkin in this. I've come to realize that that's a boon rather than a bust, because the texture of pumpkin could upset the balance of a salsa with its heavy, wet mouthfeel and is pretty flavorless on its own. Though admittedly, a little thickness couldn't hurt. This separates very easily, even after thoroughly shaking in the jar. If watery salsa annoys you, these are not the droids you're looking for. With such an emphasis on utilizing pumpkin, this had the thin consistency of a heavily tomatillo based salsa, which it was. It wasn't very enhanced by the gourd at all.

It's worth noting, however, that Bayless not only used pumpkin in his salsa, a feat unto itself, but used a special Mexican variety of pumpkin called the calabaza. It's part melon, part gourd. You know it as the plant that produces the popular squash blossom. It's still a pumpkin. Don't say the guy didn't try. The only element this is missing is the crunch of toasted pepitas on top, an easy hack that will turn this into the perfect fall appetizer. I can't wait to try this as a heated sauce over pasta or on top of pulled chicken tacos.

Birthday Sriracha Nectarine Crisp

Good news- I'm no longer MIA!

Bad news- I don't think I have any readers in the immediate vicinity of this awesome kitchen. Because if you were, I'd hand out steaming bowls of this beautiful birthday crisp, of which we have leftovers, from Tuesday's birthday bacchanal.
It's been a whirlwind of a week for us. My new website is in its final stages of development. We've been spending some good quality time with family and friends, too. We started off last weekend by taking a trip down to my mom's to start my birthday celebration and celebrate my father's wedding, and throughout the week, extended the partying for a few days here and there.

On my actual birthday, we relaxed and hung out, and I made this beautiful crisp. Easily the best part of the weekend, tied for first place with today's purchase of a Fur Real kitten to boggle our own kitten.

This recipe is from Budget Bytes, and it's anything but budget-looking. Sriracha and nectarines seemed like a no-brainer, that is, in a marinade. In a crisp, though, I was skeptical. Using a sauce of honey, cinnamon, and sriracha, which, again, wouldn't be out of place slathered on some chicken, humble nectarines are transformed into a fun dessert.

In this sense, it reminds me of the talking stuffed kitten. It's a fun experiment with whimsical results and wasn't a huge risk to take. I made a few changes to the recipe from the original version. I used a special apricot honey creme, courtesy of Honey Ridge Farms and their PR firm. The honey's rich, deep flavor boosted the nectarines, and used about twice the amount of sriracha as called for in the recipe. I didn't feel like the original featured the heat and prickle enough, but my modification really drove that point home. I added some hot cayenne pepper for color in the streusel part, but it disappeared while cooking.

The best part of this recipe was that it made a ton of crisp, and each 1/4, 1/3 cup serving was just enough to enjoy without going overboard. It wasn't overly sweet and the heat made it easier to gauge when I wanted to stop eating rather than eating too much of it at once. I think next time I'd cut down on the butter and use about twice the cornstarch or tapioca to thicken it. It was a little soupy. It was an incredibly unique dessert, though, and paired perfectly with a Thai dinner and a spot of birthday wine, a poised yet quirky 2006 Zind Humbrecht Gewurztraminer Herrenweg de Turckheim. Delicious and filling, and a fantastic way to kick off another year. After all, what better dessert for a Riesling and Gewurz fanatic is there?

Farberware Stainless Steel Blender

Recently, Keepitcoming Love and I received a few new appliances from the wonderful folks of Farberware in anticipation for their new line, debuting this September. The three new pieces include a blender, food processor, and coffee and tea machine, and are all made of stainless steel with LED touchpad controls. Today, we checked out the blender and made our first batch of homemade hot sauce.

The Farberware blender retails for $59.88 and features a seven cup capacity for all of your liquifying projects. I would have killed for this when my wisdom teeth had been taken out. Taking it out of the box, it has a few features and interesting add-ons that I'm a fan of. There's a special cord hiding system in the bottom of the machine, which allows you to store the cord and keep it out of the way or tether it closer to your outlet. Speaking from the point of view of someone who continually stretches the limits of most appliances, I found the cord a hair too short and, though I appreciated the hiding system, I didn't find that I really used it while using the blender.

So, the recipes. I tested this out on two of my favorite foods, hot sauce and milkshakes. The hot sauce was the brainchild of an unexpected bumper crop of Hungarian Wax and Jalapeno peppers, all five of which you can see here. Each pepper happened to ripen in a different color, thus inspiring the name "Rainbow Sauce" for my eventual product. I expect to trademark it by next week. The hot sauce was perfect to test out in the new blender. After checking out a few recipes, dumping my ingredients in, and turning the ignition, I played around with the settings.

The blender's LED touchpad isn't really a touchscreen in the sense of an iPad, but is configured more like a fancy keyboard with a persistent backlight. It's somewhat difficult to tell when the blender is off or on as the light stays on at all times. It does not have a safety lock when the pitcher is off its stand. It has manual settings for ULTIMATE CONTROL and pre-set speeds. I tested all of them and didn't find much of a difference between them, but left with the new found knowledge that this blender is powerful. In both a good way and a bad way. On one side, it only takes about three pulses on the medium setting to get a smooth, creamy milkshake. On another side, those three pulses nearly pulverized it into oblivion and made crumbs of the three Oreos I crammed inside. Slap a Tengwar inscription and call me Sauron, because this was almost too powerful for its own good.

12:03 is sexytime. Milkshake, anyone?

The little perks of buying a nice blender are similar to the perks of buying a nice car. Our last blender was loud, not very powerful, and had a faulty design that made it nearly impossible to clean. People often ask what the appeal is in nicer versions of the same thing. Mercedes over Honda. iPod over Zune. Leather over latex. The answer is that the sum of its parts may appear to be the same, but the details are so enticing that it makes it completely worth it. Take this blender. The stainless steel accents are both pretty and easy to clean. The Easy Clean button is an ingenious concept that is just now being put into reality. A drop of hot water and dish soap and a thirty second pulse and the blender is clean. And this! This is fucking awesome!

Measuring lid...or bomb diggety shot glass? My lawyers endorse the former!

With the hot sauce, the blender did its job correctly, but my ratios were a bit off and to get the consistency I desired without adding too much liquid, I had to strain the sauce to take away some of the pulpy fiber leftover from the peppers and onions. Once strained, the hot sauce was relatively seamless and tasted oddly like I'd expected it to taste- wildly, vehemently tangy with a pungent heat that requires a deep inhalation and a slight bit of smoky sweetness. Not bad for a first try.

"The Pound and the Fury" was already taken.Although my rainbow motif turned out like a rejected Lisa Frank design and my five little peppers ended up looking like they'd passed through the cat's digestive tract once or twice, I was pretty smitten with the end result. All in all, this is a blender I can get on board with. It's easy to use, easy to clean, has a sophisticated design scheme, and allows me to live out my spicy, sweet dreams. How many Make A Wish Foundations and birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese can make that claim? I'm proud to have made my first hot sauce in this, and I'm proud to add it to our collection of appliances. I think it's a good first blender and a good blender to easing oneself into some of the more finely pureed intricacies of cooking. Nine out of ten discerning single felines agree that the housing box makes an excellent makeshift cave. Who knew? Special thanks to the folks at Farberware and Russell Hobbs, Inc, for hooking us up with these. Stay tuned for my foray into dough! And potato chips!